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1、第1页/共32页The Need for RelationshipsExtremely happy people(Diener&Seligman,2002)Know thyselfLasagna principle revisitedExtraversion and introversion(Little,1993)Intimate relationships“There are few stronger predictors of happiness than a close,nurturing,equitable,intimate,lifelong companionship with o
2、nes best friend.”David Myers第2页/共32页第3页/共32页State of AffairsDivorce ratesFailure to sustain loveNovelty produces heightened arousal(Mook,1987)第4页/共32页Who is the fairest of them all?第5页/共32页Fiction Versus RealityDoes true love(really)exist?第6页/共32页第7页/共32页Fiction Versus RealityDoes true love(really)e
3、xist?“Perfect love is rare indeedfor to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise,the flexibility of the child,the sensitivity of the artist,the understanding of the philosopher,the acceptance of the saint,the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the ce
4、rtain.”Leo BuscagliaPerfect love does not existTrue love does exist第8页/共32页Reframing Questions:The Case of RelationshipsTraditional psychology“Why do so many long-term relationships fail?”Positive psychology“What makes some relationships thrive and grow stronger over time?”第9页/共32页Learning from What
5、 Works第10页/共32页“At first,when I figured out how to predict divorce,I thought I had found the key to saving marriages.But like so many experts before me,I was wrong.I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages.”John Gottman“Celluli
6、te and sexual potential are highly correlated.”David Schnarch第11页/共32页Growing Tip Statistics1.Working hard2.Striving to be known rather than validated3.Allowing for conflict4.Appreciating the positive第12页/共32页1.Working HardCultivating versus FindingMovies end where love beginsLiving happily ever is
7、the difficult partThe“one right person”theoryCultivating the“one chosen”relationship第13页/共32页Being Together By Doing TogetherSuperordinate goal(Sherif,1958)Mutually meaningful goals“In the strongest marriages,husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.They dont just get alongthey also support ea
8、ch others hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.”John GottmanActive loveRelationship rituals第14页/共32页2.Being Known Rather than ValidatedIntimacy as key to long-term passionOpen up,share,revealExpress,not impressAlso get to know your partner(love maps)第15页/共32页B
9、eing Known Rather than Validated“Intimacy is about letting yourself really be known,including parts that you or your partner dont like.But its not just about letting warts be known.It often involves showing strengths youve been hiding,too.Most approaches focus on getting your partners validation and
10、 acceptance when you disclose.But you cant count on this,and if you try,it inherently limits self-disclosure because you wont say things your partner wont validate.Resolving gridlock requires intimacy based on validating yourself.Schnarch(1997)第16页/共32页3.Allowing for ConflictNo one right relationshi
11、p(Gottman,2000)5:1 positivity ratioConflict immunizesAccentuate positive;dont eliminate negative第17页/共32页Love BoostersLove is in the detailsMini love boosters“60-second pleasure points”(Fraenkl,2007)Extraordinary by focusing on ordinaryDemonstrate interestShow affection(touch,smile,flowers)Pay compl
12、iments“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”Mark TwainDemonstrate empathyMake love第18页/共32页第19页/共32页Positive ConflictAffective rather than cognitive conflictChallenging behavior,not personP:“You are so inconsiderate”B:“Do you mind putting down the toilet seat when youre done?”P:“You are s
13、uch a slob;you promised to throw away the garbage;I cant trust you.”B:“It upsets me to return to a dirty home,after we agreed that you would throw away the garbage.”第20页/共32页Positive ConflictAffective rather than cognitive conflictChallenging behavior,not personAvoiding hostility,insults,contemptKee
14、ping disputes privateConflict in gay couples(Gottman,2001)More positive,using humor and affectionNot taking negativity personallyCalm down and soothe one another第21页/共32页The Titanium Rule“Do not do unto those close to you what you would not have done unto others(whore not so close to you).”第22页/共32页
15、Deep Friendship“At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company.These couples tend to know each other intimatelythey are well versed in each others likes,dislikes,personality q
16、uirks,hopes,and dreams.They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways,but in little ways day in and day out.”John Gottman第23页/共32页4.Positive PerceptionBenefit finding(appreciating)Positive illusions(Murray,1997)A self-fulfilling prophecy(benefit creatin
17、g)“Not only does love perceive potentialities but it also actualizes them.”Abraham Maslow第24页/共32页第25页/共32页Refocusing on the PositiveWhat am I grateful for in my partner?What is wonderful about our relationship?第26页/共32页Communicating about Positive Events(Gable et al.,2006)Responding to positive-eve
18、nt-disclosuresActive constructive responding第27页/共32页第28页/共32页Communicating about Positive Events(Gable et al.,2006)Responding to positive-event-disclosuresActive constructive respondingWin-win eventsGenuine respondingGenerating upward spirals(promoting positive)Building positive capacity(dealing wi
19、th negative)第29页/共32页 Bem,D.J.(1996).Exotic Becomes Erotic:A Developmental Theory of Sexual Orientation.Psychological Review,103(2),320-335)Branden,N.(1985).The Psychology of Romantic Love.Bantam Fraley,R.C.&Shaver,P.R.(2000).Adult Romantic Attachment:Theoretical Developments,Emerging Controversies,
20、and Unanswered Questions.Review of General Psychology,4(2),132-154.Gottman,J.M.(2000).The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert.Three Rivers Press.Murray,S.L.,&Holmes,J.G.(1997).A leap of faith?Positive illusions in romantic relati
21、onships.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,23,586-604.Schnarch,D.(1998).Passionate Marriage:Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships.Owl Books.Sternberg,R.J.&Barnes,M.L.(1989).The Psychology of Love.Yale University Press.Bibliography and Recommendations第30页/共32页第31页/共32页感谢您的观看！第32页/共32页