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1、第二节 读后续写（满分25分）阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。The Ex-footballerMy parents dont see football as a profession. They think I should be an engineer, a doctor or an economist. It took me a good while to eventually persuade them to buy me a new football shirt for the school matches. My old shirt had
2、 worn out and made me depressed every time I put it on.But now I had a brand new shirt! I decided to wear it today for the first time during a kick-about in our street. But as soon as we had been playing for ten minutes, the shirt sleeve was torn when I made a turn.I didnt pay much attention to it a
3、t first. I thought I would sew it back together after the match. But then I noticed that the whole sleeve was torn. Only a professional could mend it now. I couldnt tell my mum and dad that my new football shirt was ruined. I needed a tailor. As I walked home, feeling totally at a loss what to do, I
4、 was surprised to suddenly come across a shop sign -All kinds of repairs and services!”I went inside immediately. Looking around the shop, I saw an iron, broken toys and a broken chair. I guessed this was the wrong place and stood there, mind blank. At that time, a man with white hair came over warm
5、ly, Welcome! Anything needs repairing? I showed him the shirt and expressed my request with great care, putting my fingers through the tear in the sleeve. To my disappointment, he told me that since he opened this shop, he had repaired many things except a football shirt. But he admitted he had been
6、 waiting so long to repair a football shirt.What he said made me hesitate. Should I count on such a green hand? I was worried he would make it worse. After all, it was new, and my parents wouldnt buy me a new one.Paragraph 1:The tailor seemed to understand what I was thinking at the moment.Paragraph
7、 2:Suddenly, I noticed a photo of a football team next to the sewing machine.范文Paragraph 1:The tailor seemed to understand what I was thinking at the moment.“Follow me”, with an encouraging look, he led the way to the adjacent room. Desperate, I trailed along, not knowing what to expect. Then the li
8、ght revealed a room with three stools stacked by the wall, two big shelves full of tools, a large table in the center, and an old-fashioned yet well-maintained sewing machine that clearly stood the test of time. A glimmer of hope resurfaced. Handing the shirt to him, I implored, “I am counting on yo
9、u, Sir.” With a warm smile, he took it, patted me on the shoulder and set about mending it.Paragraph 2:Suddenly, I noticed a photo of a football team next to the sewing machine.Kept in a polished wooden frame, the photo had a yellowish tinge. What a surprise it was when I saw a familiar face. “Is th
10、at you in the middle, Sir?” I blurted out. Looking up, he nodded gently. Minutes later, he stood up and handed me the shirt, a nostalgic smile peering through his wrinkles as though he had just relived the best time of his life. After thanking him heartily, I put the shirt back on. Somehow, wearing
11、it, I felt more confident about my future as if the stitches were not a scar but a blessing from a fellow footballer.续写逐句精析Paragraph 1: The tailor seemed to understand what I was thinking at the moment.（首段剧情根据两段提示语决定。第一句说，“这个裁缝似乎理解了我彼时正在想什么。”第二句说，“我在缝纫机侧看到了一张足球队的照片。”据此二句可知，“我”最终将衣服给了裁缝修补。因此，第一段核心是回答
12、两个问题：1.作者如何被说服将衣服给裁缝？2.缝纫机如何出场？我昨日挥就的精析行胜于言中说，续写中说服一个人物改变决定用行动、心理和环境描写更胜对话多筹。因此，与其让裁缝进行言语劝说，我做出如下将两个问题合并回答的设计，塑造一个皱纹渐生的裁缝，温和、智慧、内敛的人物形象。下面进入分句精析。）“Follow me”, with an encouraging look, he led the way to the adjacent room.（在裁缝读出“我”之犹疑后，他给了“我”一个鼓励的眼神，转身走向套间内。续写首句便设置一个悬念。房间里有什么呢？老人又是何用意？读者的阅读兴趣瞬间被勾起。Ps
13、：这是全文老人唯一一句话。精炼对话进行到底。）Desperate, I trailed along, not knowing what to expect.（绝望之下，“我”拖着脚步跟随，不知该期待什么。这句话两个妙处：1.续写中五大要素（环境、心理、行动、语言、反应）要灵活运用，使阅读视角自然流转，互动性增强，避免读者阅读中产生疲惫感。此处，在上句聚焦老人，并设置房间悬念后，我并未直接介绍房间陈设，而是将镜头移转，让主角紧随其后，这样下一个场景展开更符合逻辑，且人物互动增强。2.这句话用三部分突出了主角的失措。1）Desperate，形容词作状语，表明此时“我”的心理，符合原文，“I was
14、 worried he would make it worse.”体现主角的跟随，是死马当活马医的无奈。2）Trail.跟随裁缝进入房间时，选取哪个动词？Walk？follow?太简单或重复，我在此时用了trail v.（牛津：to walk slowly because you are tired or bored, especially behind sb else（尤指跟在他人后面）疲惫地走，没精打采地慢走。）精确用词进一步烘托此时我的状态，符合逻辑，用细节增强阅读沉浸感。3）not knowing what to expect.剧情中两个人物，一个小孩，一个老人。在老人充满耐心的智慧时
15、，少年的人物塑造就不可再“多智近妖”。此时少年跟随老人脚步，心中不知下一步发生什么，符合少年纯真形象。）Then the light revealed a room with three stools stacked by the wall, two shelves full of tools, a large table in the center, and an old-fashioned yet well-maintained sewing machine that clearly stood the test of time.（少年对老人的犹豫出于看到店内简朴陈设及听到老人回答后产生的
16、对老人技艺的怀疑。原文中对此有两处铺垫，1. “I saw an iron, broken toys and a broken chair. I guessed this was the wrong place and stood there, mind blank.”，2. “To my disappointment, he told me that since he opened this shop, he had repaired many things except a football shirt.”因此说服少年的方式，应该打消这两方面的疑虑。若选择“对话”，一种都解决不了。因此，我
17、决定让“我”眼见为实。一个无灵主语句光线揭开房间的面纱（让句子灵动，赋予光线生命力），靠墙叠放着3个凳子，2个摆满工具的架子，1个位于中心的大桌，及1个缝纫机。首先通过这个句子，把老人工作室的全貌呈现给读者，用环境的细节描写，增强了阅读的沉浸感，其次也通过工具的多体现出老人的专业性，呼应原文，“Only a professional could mend it now.”。而对于主角修补球衣更为关键的缝纫机，我着墨更甚一个样式老旧，但维护良好的，明显经受了时光考验的缝纫机。再次烘托出老人的从业良久，经验丰富。我还有想用缝纫机设置一重隐喻，即把缝纫机与老人做比，均饱经风霜更历久弥坚。但这个如果读
18、者解读不出来也无妨。）A glimmer of hope resurfaced.（glimmer v. /n.闪烁，一丝看到老人装备精良，“我”心中又浮现出一丝希望。这句话除无灵主语句让句式灵动，长短句相间增强阅读韵律感外，还有一重巧思。注意我的用词resurface.为什么要加前缀re-呢？最初主角茫然失措时，在街上看到这家店心中第一次浮现希望，“As I walked home, feeling totally at a loss what to do, I was surprised to suddenly come across a shop sign -All kinds of re
19、pairs and services!” I went inside immediately.”但紧接着进入店中的他又大失所望。此刻看到屋内情境，心中希望再次浮现，re-的前缀与前文剧情呼应，使逻辑更为融洽。）Handing the shirt to him, I implored, “I am counting on you, Sir.”（心中浮起希望的我，将球衣递给老人。与此同时，他恳求道，“我就指望你了，先生。”implore去替换ask, request等情感不够浓烈的字眼，同时也替换beg, beseech等高中或常见或罕见的用词，让表达适度惊艳。Count on则是原文用词的重复，
20、“Should Icount onsuch a green hand?”从质疑到信任，体现出“我”心理的变化。Ps：这是“我”文中唯一的一句，同样极力精炼对话。）With a warm smile, he took it, patted me on the shoulder and set about mending it.（“行胜于言，行胜于言，行胜于言。”人物刻画，行为比语言更有效。所以我没有让老人回答，而是设计了如下的画面，“带着温暖的笑容，他接过球衣，轻拍少年肩膀，着手开始修补。”老人的行为如和风拂面，让人不由心生信任。mend与原文用词呼应。）Paragraph 2: Suddenl
21、y, I noticed a photo of a football team next to the sewing machine.（前文已铺垫好缝纫机出场，那第二段的重点就是三点：1. 相片如何切入剧情？2.老人的行为如何与前文铺垫呼应？“But he admitted he had been waiting so long to repair a football shirt.”3.如何收尾升华主题？下面进入分句精析。）Kept in a polished wooden frame, the photo had a yellowish tinge.（老人青丝变华发，以古稀高龄踢球已成挑战
22、，故而照片里的足球队员应是年轻时的光辉。但在“我”辨识出老人前，我先用一句话描写了照片，让岁月的痕迹增强环境的真实性，和阅读的沉浸感。这句话有两处描写的设计：1. polished wooden frame.一个擦亮的木质相框。polish：牛津shiny as a result of polishing暗示老人时常拂拭。2. Yellowish tinge.光线会使照片褪色。而历经数十年的照片泛黄符合逻辑，更添细节说服力。对于这个短语，牛津有这样的例句：The paper had a yellowish tinge because it was so old.）3.What a surpri
23、se it was when I saw a familiar face.（此句描写“我”当时的惊讶。感叹句与时间状语从句结合。“我”作为足球迷，自然会细细观看这张足球队的照片，且此时老人正在我面前，因此“我”才能认出图片中的老人。这段剧情设计文章铺垫比较充分，“But he admitted he had been waiting so long to repair a football shirt.”所以照片中有老人的身影，符合逻辑。）“Is that you in the middle, Sir?” I blurted out.（blurt：牛津sth (out) | that | wh
24、at, how, etc. | + speech to say sth suddenly and without thinking carefully enough脱口而出。少年难藏心事。原文中老人从未直述过往，此刻我心中充满惊讶，因此不假思索，脱口而问。用词精准且有新意。）Looking up, he nodded gently.（此刻老人埋头踩缝纫机，故听到少年发问，需先抬头，动作很符合情境。其次，他轻点头的动作描写符合人物内敛的形象设计。此句精简出于两重考虑：1.形式上，下一句很长，因而这句取短，让阅读有韵律感；2.老人此刻修补球衣需专注，更沉浸其中，因此避免用长对话或动作使其分心。）M
25、inutes later, he stood up and handed me the shirt, a nostalgic smile peering through his wrinkles as though he had just relived the best time of his life.（修补球衣袖子需要多久？在铺垫了老人技艺高超后，几分钟足以。紧接着，老人起身，将体恤递给我。下面一句老人的神态描写呼应原文设置的悬念，“But he admitted he had been waiting so long to repair a football shirt.他承认他等待修
26、补一件球衫已很久。”那么终于如愿以偿的老人会作何反应？为回答这个问题，我设计了如下画面，“一个怀念的笑容从老人的皱纹中浮现，就好像他刚刚重温了人生中至美好的时光。”这句话有三重巧思：1.Nostalgic是nostalgia的形容词变形。牛津这样释义nostalgia：a feeling of sadness mixed with pleasure and affection when you think of happy times in the past怀旧，怀念。回想美好岁月时产生的悲伤与快乐交织的感觉。用nostalgic描述老人的笑容方足以体现他复杂的心理变化。2. Peer thr
27、ough his wrinkles. peer在牛津高阶里只有仔细端详的意思，但韦伯里，则有to come slightly into view : emerge partly的意思。此时老人脸上必有岁月带来的沟壑，故而笑容不是如花绽放，而是穿透皱纹地浮现。表达准确，更显精妙。3.老人为何而笑？as though引导的虚拟语气从句回答这个问题，其实也是呼应题目ex-footballer的提示。修补球衣的老人手下针线穿梭，心中浮现的则是年轻时球场肆意的美好。）After thanking him heartily, I put the shirt back on.（heartily是sincer
28、ely和wholly的结合，比单独的sincerely更显诚意。穿衣的动作逻辑呼应老人将球衣递给自己，时间链紧密衔接，没有跳跃感。同时为结尾句做出铺垫。）Somehow, wearing it, I felt more confident about my future as if the stitches were not a scar but a blessing from a fellow footballer.（压轴句最需巧思。我曾构想对话结尾，让老人鼓励少年，但又觉其苍白，无法带给读者感动。因此思虑过后，我设计了如下画面：“不知怎的，穿上球衣后，我对未来更有自信，仿佛这弥合裂痕的针线并非新衣的伤口，而是来自同为球友的老人赠予我的祝福。”裂痕与祝福相对，初指代老人为我缝衣，又呼应“家人不支持“我”追求足球的迷茫，再预兆追逐未来的信心，终fellow footballer与ex-footballer题目辉映，一语四“关”。无需浓烈的文字，一种新老间梦想的传递便浮现于读者脑海，未来充满希望的温暖自读者心中油然而生。学科网（北京）股份有限公司