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1、读后续写写作练习讲评一、试题回顾阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。On a Friday evening in December, two weeks before Christmas,my mother and I got home as usual.We were excited for the coming weekend andplanned to get our Christmas tree. Suddenly,my mothergothervoice mail: “Were sorry but your work assignment has
2、 ended as of today.”The news cast a cloud of gloom over her face. And my heart sank and anxiety sent me spinningmy motherlostherjob.The following daysmy mothergot up early andset out to look for work, but stillhadnt seen it coming.AndInoticed that we were running out of natural gas and bills of elec
3、tricity and water began to pill up.I knew moneywastight.One wrong move could sendthe familyinto trouble.My mother also wasnt easy. Shewasnt just a single parent;shewas the only parent.My fatherhad been in prison most of hislifeand I hadnt met him for a long time.Nevertheless,Id grown accustomed to t
4、he life.My motherdid everythingshecould to givemea good life.The next day as we searched for our treein the shop, I struggled to be cheerful as I eyed each price tag.I handed a note of$100to my mother, but she refused without hesitation, saying“Absolutely not , thats what grandma gave to you.”I whis
5、pered to her“Mom, I dont want any gifts. All I need is to be with you. I love you forever!”Then I held her by the hand leaving the shop.Over the next week,my mothercrazily applied for jobs asthebank account grew smallerand smaller.Westill needed money for rent, food andother daily expenses.One night
6、, lying on the bed and lost in thought, I decided that it was time for me to do something. At that, I rose up to dial a telephone number.Paragraph 1:The next morning, just on the day before Christmas,I noticed afamiliarcar pull up in front of myhouse.Paragraph 2:At this time, I couldnt help but cry.
7、 二、学生考场习作呈现三、作文评析（一）作文亮点1.内容环环相扣，画面感强。文章的画面感，让人读了能够在脑海中呈现感人的画面，与阅读材料所传递的主题相符合。另外，内容环环相扣，段落间衔接紧密而自然，条理清楚，语言流畅，可读性、逻辑性强。第一段设计在房子前面，奶奶出现和奶奶拥抱奶奶建议通过摆摊赚钱渡过难关我看到圣诞树。在第二段中，我看到妈妈送的圣诞树感动而泣与妈妈相拥赚的收入，妈妈找到工作。结局与原文既有呼应又有出人意料，令人回味。情节设计合情合理，跌宕起伏，符合读后续写的曲折性原则。文章最后突出通过自己的努力而获得圆满结局，这体现了读后续写的正能量原则。2.词汇和句式丰富，全文遵守原文一致原则
8、。文章词汇多样且生动，如spot, reliable, burst into, subsequently等，这使文章增色不少。句式丰富，灵活多变，能够巧妙运用强调句，定语从句，状语从句，宾语从句，现在分词，倒装句等，足见作者深厚的语言功底。亮点句式如下：（1）强调句：It was my grandmother who I called last night and wanted to seek for help from her.（2）宾语从句：I asked her what I can doformom.（3）倒装句：Hardly had we come into house when I
9、 spotted a Christmas tree and my mom.（4）倒装句：Tough though our life recently was, I never cried even once.（5）现在分词：All of a sudden, my grandmother hugged both of us and gave both of us a kiss, addingthat.（6）定语从句：Just as she said, we got some money from our stand and my mom found a new work subsequently
10、, which led us to come back to a right track.3.细节描写生动真实，扣人心弦。依据情节发展需要，作者按“所见、所闻、所思、所说、所做、所感”六方面选择性得增加细节，从多角度体现细节性描写，如语言描写、动作描写、人物描写等等，从而增加文章的真实度、可信度和饱满度。（1）所闻所说体现语言描写：I asked her what I can doformom.She said that she would go with me have a stand .（2）所做体现动作描写：When she met me, she hugged me and asked
11、 me not to worry too much.Hardly had we come into house when I spotted a Christmas tree and my mom.（3）所见体现人物描写：However, seeing my moms gift for me, it was easy for me to burst into .(二)意见和建议1.语言问题（1）原文：I asked her what canIdo her mom.改为：I asked her whatI candoformom.此句为宾语从句，应用陈述语气。（2）原文：She said tha
12、t she would go with me have a stand .改为：She said that she would go with metohave a stand .此处目的状语应加上to。（3）原文：However, seeing my moms gift for me, it was easy for me to brust into cry.改为：However, seeing my moms gift for me, Ijust cant help bursting into tears. 非谓语动词的逻辑主语有问题，burst拼写错误，burst into tears会
13、更符合英语表达习惯。（4）原文：All of a suddlen,my grandmother hugged both ofalland gave both of us a kiss, addingthat.改为：All of asudden,my grandmother hugged both ofusand gave both of us a kiss, addingthat.sudden拼写错误，both of us更加准确(5)原文：Just as she said, we got some money from our stand and my mom found a new wor
14、k subsequently, which led us to come back to a right track.改为:Just as she said, we got some money from our stand and my mom found a newjobsubsequently, whichwouldleadus to come back to a right track.job为可数名词，更符合语境；定语从句在时态上使用过去将来时会更合适。2.构思问题（1）第一段结尾处提到圣诞树之后，第二段没有出现内容上的呼应。如果第二段出现呼应，内容会更加完整。（2）第二段suddenly后面的内容中，再次出现grandma和我们拥抱，显得有点突兀，可以换点其他的动作描写，如smile at us with teary eyes。（三）定档给分本文阅卷老师实际评分为第五档（2125分）中的24分。学科网（北京）股份有限公司