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1、好想跟你做我也是I want to fuck you so bad. -Me too.你让我欲♥火♥焚身You make me so hard.打个岔Scuse me! *Scuse me.停下来好吗Can you stop?我们要送女儿来上学Were dropping our daughter off at school.我看到你勃起了 一妈I can see your erection. - Mom!大学女生的性生活第一季第1集艾赛克斯学院Essex College?一定要选离我三千哩的学校吗Did you have to pick a school that
2、was 3,000 miles away from me?感觉几乎像是故意选的Ifs almost like I did that on purpose.弗蒙特耶这地方也能自成一州I mean, Vermont? Whys it even a state?就是一堆大♥麻♥毒虫在做枫糖浆罢fBunch of potheads making maple syrup.我很高兴你愿意抽时间开车送我来I dont know. Im just happy that you made the time to drop me off at school.继续说吧乖女儿Okay, g
3、o on, honey.有时间跟你相处真好It*s just nice to spend time with you.该死的God damn it.贾姬我今天送女儿上大学Look, Jackie, I am dropping my daughter off at college today.这是唯一重要的事That is the only thing that matters.有线电视新闻网吗Oh, CNN?好接过来Okay, yes； put them through.抱歉我爱你-我也爱你I love you. -1 love you too.你们要彼此照顾All right, girls,
4、 take care of each other.别忘了不要用免洗塑胶容器And remember, no single-use plastics.你还好吗Hey, are you good?道别时你♥爸♥抖得好厉害Your dad was shaking pretty hard when he said goodbye.他没事他现在应该已经哭完了Oh, hes fine. Tm sure hes finished crying by now, anyway.爰你哦宝贝Love you, peanut!欢迎找张舒服的椅子坐吧Welcome. Take a comfy
5、 seat.这表示你是我们的室友吗Does this mean you are our roommate?不是教务处弄错了Oh, no, no. But theres been a clerical error我明天去处理所以要跟你们住一晚that I need to address tomorrow, so Ill need to stay for one night.我们已经选好房♥问了你跟贝拉一间Well, we already picked rooms, so youre with Bela.虽然只有一晚但等等要讨论出一套规矩Even though its one nig
6、ht, we should probably sidebar about a system免得我们有人带男生回来in case either of us brings a dude home.大家好我叫佛德拉斯穆森Okay, everyone, my name is Frude Rasmunssen是各位的新生指导员和朋友and I will be your Freshman Advisor and Friend简称新导友aka, your FAF.欢迎来到艾赛克斯Welcome to Essex!先来个破冰话题We*ll start with some icebreakers.大家轮流提供自
7、己感到害怕的时刻Lets go around and share a time when we felt scared.我先来Fil start家族聚会时碰到雪崩我有好几位亲戚死了Avalanche during a family reunion. I lost several relatives我自己也被活埋了好几天and was, myself, entombed for many days.下一位Next?我很怕我的跟踪狂Im scared of my stalker.我是抖音网红玛丽亚欧巴马是我的粉丝Im kind of a big deal on TikTok. Malia Obam
8、a follows me.妈呀她有二十万追踪人数Holy shit, she has 200,000 followers.你专唱恶搞歌♥曲Oh, my God, you do song parodies?不要追逐特小号♥Dont go chasing extra smalls那是帮凯德巧克力的身体自爱活动写的That was for a body positivity campaign for Kind Bars他们家的巧克力超好吃真酷which are delicious. - So cool!还有谁要提供Who else?我明天要去面试工读有点紧张I am a
9、little nervous about my work-study interview tomorrow.你有工作Wait, you have a job?我应征了Well, I applied for one.很不错金柏丽Yes, great, Kimberly.不要担忧艾赛克斯学院有很多工读生And dont worry many students at Essex have student jobs.还有谁有打工Who else has one?有人吗Anyone?看来这里只有你了-好哦I guess perhaps it is just you here. - Cool.佛德我相信你
10、很在行但是提供我们的恐惧不会，Look, Frude Im sure youre good at this, but sharing our fears isnt 我很害怕因为我是同志Im scared because Im gay.我高中都没有出柜不想再这样了I was in the closet all through high school and I dont want to do that again. 所以我下定决心一到这里就要跟大家说So I promised myself I would tell everyone the minute I got here.各位我是同志Guy
11、s, Vm gay.噢好哦Oh. - Okay.我也是同志十二岁就出柜了Oh, Im gay, too. Tve been out since I was 12.这在奥克拉荷马并不好过但我必须做自己It wasnt easy in Oklahoma, but I had to be me.他好帅哦Hes so handsome.太好了This is great.我们知道了好多关于同志新朋友的事We are learning so much about our new gay friends!你们为什么选择艾赛克斯So, why did you all pick Essex?我是冲着卡特兰来的O
12、h, Im here for The Catullan.那是我们学校的搞笑杂♥志♥The college comedy magazine.在喜剧圈非同小可It*s a big deal in the comedy world.很多周六夜现场的编剧都是从这里起步的A ton of writers on SNL got their start on The Catullan.真酷我来是因为这是顶尖大学Cool! I came cause its prestigious.我要以优等成绩毕业再进入顶尖法学院Im gonna graduate summa and then I
13、m gonna go to a tier-one law school 之后麦斯和我要搬去华府and then Max and I are gonna move to DC成为像贺锦丽和道格一样的模范夫妻where were gonna become a power couple like Kamala and Doug.你们有另一半吗Are any of you in relationships?没有我敬谢不敏No, thank you.我可不想上了大学还和高中男友藕断丝连I didnt come to college to be tethered to some dude I dated
14、in high school. 而且我念高中时没有男友Also, I never really dated anyone in high school但我现在上大学了对性&hearts覆♥非常积极but Im here. Tm super sex-positive.虽然是理论大于实务我已经做好开荤的准备in theory more than in experience and I am ready to smash some Ds.我跟麦斯还没做过Max and I are waiting.没有什么奇怪的理由他只是还没准备好Not for any weird reason. He
15、s just not ready.他没准备好-天啊Hers not ready? - Oh, God.有什么不对吗What? Whats wrong with that?男生天生就准备好了 一定有鬼Boys are born ready, so something*s up.他是不是一面在等一面在看变装皇后秀Yeah, is he, like, waiting but also, like, really up to date on Drag Race?你们误会了等待一定会很值得Oh, no, its nothing like that. Itrs gonna be worth the wai
16、t.有人说他长得很像尚恩曼德斯People tell him he looks like Shawn Mendes.你们看过尚恩曼德斯冲澡的影片吗Hey, have you all seen that video of Shawn Mendes taking a shower? 好好看It is very good.跨球,Step. step!追上去-停住她Get it, get it! - Cover up!她很不错Shes good.各位小姐加把劲要让我刮目相看趁现在All right, ladies, hustle! Nows when you should be impressing
17、me!瞧你笑容满面得意洋洋的I see you smiling, feeling all proud of yourself.我吗才没有Me? No, I wasnt.笑是应该的你动作很快菜鸟You should smile. You*re fast, rookie.只是别太自大了Just dont get too cocky.我喜欢你的贴纸Oh, I really like your sticker.谢了我不知道那是什么意思Thanks. I dont know what it means但是在加油站看到觉得贴在置物柜应该很酷but I saw it at a gas station, an
18、d was like That would be cool in my locker. 我以为这是指身份认同Well, I think its meant for people who identify as.闹你的啦我是百分之百的同志Im just playing. Im super gay.对女人是见一个爰一个Like, Im the LeBron James of being attracted to women.我叫薇萝我是惠妮Im Willow. - Whitney.如果我是富二代一定也跑很快If I had a silver spoon like that, Id run real
19、ly fast too.她自以为了不起She thinks shes hot shit.她大一就能上场只是因为她妈The only reason she gets playing time as a freshman is because of who her mom is. 洁娜你嘴巴真坏我踢前锋比她强多了Oh, my God, Jena, you*re so bad. -1 know that Im a better forward than she is. 没事吧You good?没事我很好那就好Yeah, yeah, Tm good. - Cool.教练-进来Coach? - Yeah
20、.我可以跟你谈谈吗Hey, can I talk to you about something?没问题什么事Course. Whats up?有点严重Its kind of serious.我觉得踢球时很难专心I just. Tm finding it really difficult to concentrate during practice because.因为我很想上你I want to fuck you so bad.搞什么Whit, what the hell?抱歉我非说不可Im so sorry, I had to.这里还有人耶There are people still her
21、e.大家都走了只剩一个工友Everyones gone except like one janitor.是乔还是亚力山大Hold on, is it Joe or Alejandro? Cause Alejandro notices everything.因为什么都逃不过亚力山大的眼睛Because nothing escapes Alexanders eyes.别紧张没人看到我Chill, no one saw.现在也不会有人看到And no one will see this.晚上还是要见面吧We still on for tonight?当然你快走好Yeah. Now get out o
22、f here. - Okay.天啊真的吗.对Oh, my God, really? - Yep.我得到这份工作了 一对I got the job? - Yep.太好了Oh, cool!员工都要在工读助学金平台线上交♥班♥表So, all employees of Essex Sips need to submit their timesheets online through the financial aid work-study portal.了解Okay.平台感觉好像星舰迷航记Portal.n Guh. What are we on, Star Trek?好笑
23、吧你喜欢好笑的东西吗Its funny, right? You like funny things?喜欢啊我知道Yeah. -1 know.数到三我们一起说好笑的事We both can say what we think is funny on the count of three.不要啦好嘛一起来一二三Yeah! Well do it together. One, two, three.表情包Q大道Memes. - Avenue Q.表情包也很好笑-又寸Oh, memes, thats good too. - Yeah.我们会相处愉快的Wow, I think we*re gonna ge
24、t along.你的个性很好谢谢You have a good personality. - Oh, thank you.我可以告诉你一个秘密吗Can I tell you something, between us?我对其他工读生有点意见I have some issues with the other work-study kids that I manage.他们态度很差They just have got a lot of attitude.我要靠薪水付学费Well； I really need this job to pay for school我唯一的态度就是积极so the on
25、ly kind of attitude I have is can-do.很不错蛮妙的Thats great, very clever.大家过来Okay, everybody, huddle up.开店之前先来见见新的实习生Before we open, Id like you to meet our new trainee.这是金柏丽她很喜欢表情包This is Kimberly, and she loves memes.我还有别的嗜好和兴趣In addition to other hobbies and interests, you know?我一时想不起来有哪些但我真的有Which I
26、cant think of right now, but I have them.我是迦南-莉拉Canaan. - Lila.我很高兴跟你们做同事Cool. Tm really excited to be working at Sips with you guys.我们一定会水乳♥交♥融I. Tm sure we*ll have a latte fun.我必须说你真的很可爱I just want to say, you are a wonderful little lady.对那是菜单吗Okay. - Oh, is that the menu?是如果每天配不一样的粉
27、笔画一定很可爰It is. - You know what could be so cute is if we did little chalk drawings that changed every day.今天可以画叶子因为现在是九月Like, today, we could do leaves. Because its September.我喜欢I love it, yes.莉拉你老是在涂鸦Lila, youre always doodling.以后每天早点进来画画I want you to come in a few minutes early and decorate the boa
28、rd.我画是她建议的Why me? She suggested it.你比拟有艺术天分发挥创意画几片叶子就对了Well, youre artsy, you know, so just have fun with it and draw some goddamn leaves. 再说一遍你姓什么-莫瑞So what did you say your last name was again? -Murray, 跟隔壁的莫瑞图书馆一样as in Murray Library. The library next door.我去年冬天在那边跌倒过I slipped and fell there last
29、 winter.搞到尾椎骨折Broke my tailbone.很遗憾可以专心处理我的问题吗Im very sorry to hear that, but can we please focus on my problem?跟最好的朋友分开是很让人难过的事Its extremely distressing to be separated from ones best friends.看来你的个人习惯调查表一Okay, looks like you submitted a personal habits survey with是和艾丝密薛佛和凡雀嘉布罗姆利一起交的Esme Schaffer an
30、d Francesca Bromley你们的契合程度高达九♥成♥九and got a 99% match-up with both of them.没错但是系统出了问题Exactly, but then there was some glitch in the system, or something她们分配到的室友是个穿怪衣服的女生and they got assigned with some random girl with weird clothes.有够倒霉Bless her heart.除了调查表之外她们还写了对室友的要求Well, in addition
31、 to the survey they also wrote specific directions in who they wanted in a roommate.什么要求我看看Specific how? Let me see.不要让我们跟蕾登莫瑞当室友Do not room us with Leighton Murray?为什么她们干吗写这个Why? Why the hell would they write that?就是啊你看起来很好相处I know. You seem like such a joy.欢迎各位参加卡特兰新秀作家会议Welcome to the Catullan Pe
32、rspective Writers meeting.我们是共同编辑我是莱恩这是艾瑞克Were the co-editors. Im Ryan, this is Eric.首先要谢谢各位很高兴看到现场这么多人We want to start by saying thank you. Its really great to see such a big turnout.话虽如此各位要知道That being said, know this going in.卡特兰是本校选择标准最严格的课外活动The Catullan is the most selective extra-curricular o
33、n campus.那阿卡贝拉呢去他的阿卡贝拉What about a cappella? - Hey, fuck a cappella!严格来说艾瑞克说得没错Look, sure, what Erics saying is technically correct.不过这些晚点再说But I think were getting ahead of things here.为搞笑杂♥志♥写作很好玩Writing for a comedy magazine is fun.我们很期待看到各位的作品And we look forward to reading your wri
34、ting samples.三篇六百字禁用双关语我是说真的Three pieces, 600 words, no puns. Tm serious.与其听我告诉各位你们为什么应该投稿But rather than me telling you why you should submit不如听听校友怎么说lets see what some of our recent alums have to say.我是奥利佛罗尼去年帮卡特兰写稿Im Oliver Roni, I wrote for The Catullan last year我现在是一部新动画的编剧助理主角是一个郊区白人家庭and now
35、Im a writers assistant on a new animated show about a suburban white family. 妈呀Holy shit!20块-我丢进去的话给我20块$20, - $20 if I make this?愿赌服输现金交易Straight to you, cash now.准备好了吗出手吧Okay, ready? - Go ahead.看到没有Did you see that?好算你厉害Okay. Ill give it to you, Ill give it to you.迦南Hey, Canaan. - Hey.你喜欢杰斯吗Do you
36、 like Jay-Z?喜欢大概吧Yeah, I guess.我觉得他的音乐超酷Yeah, I mean, I think his music is so dope.有些人觉得他不只是歌♥手还是先知And some would say hes more than a musician. Hes like a prophet too. 好哦Okay.我只想说我来自亚利桑那州的小镇Look, I just have to say, I come from a small town in Arizona能交到黑人朋友我觉得很开心and its really exciting for m
37、e to have a black friend.还是应该说非裔美籍Or, is it African-American?因为有两派说法I don*t know, cause there are two schools of thought on that.你觉得呢说黑人没问题What. what do you think? - Black is. is fine.好黑人Okay. So, black.酷啊Cool.在艾赛克斯身为黑人是什么感觉And what. whats it like being black at Essex?其实很难熬You know its hard.这里懂我的人不多
38、他们怎么可能会懂我Sorry.杰克塔柏你好吗亲爰的Jake Tapper. How you doin, sweetheart?今天要我评论什么事What am I commenting on today?看小贝贝我帮你准备了惊喜Look, beta, I brought a surprise for you让你有家的感觉to remind you of home.是巴斯比先生妈当真-It*s Mr. Busby! - Mom, are you serious?怎么了你很爰巴斯比先生啊What? You love Mr. Busby.妈我才不要带玩具熊上大学Mom, Fm not bringin
39、g my teddy bear to college with me.我十八岁了正在自我改造中Im 18 years old, Im in the middle of my reinvention.别又提什么自我改造了Not with the reinvention again.爸记得班艾佛列克背上刺了浴火凤♥凰♥吗Dad, remember when Ben Affleck got that giant back tattoo of a phoenix rising up from the ashes?海边的曼彻斯特是他演的Is he in Manchester
40、by the Sea?那部电影好悲伤那是他弟弟Oh, very sad film. -Thatfs the other Affleck.那只凤♥凰♥让我很有感触Look, that phoenix made total sense to me.班需要改变Ben needed a change.需要永久蜕变肉身以扭转人生He needed to transform his life with a permanent physical metamorphosis.我也是And so did I.四个月前我是个印度呆呆女满脸痘痘腋下冒汗戴着大眼镜Four months a
41、go, I was an Indian loser with cystic acne sweaty armpits, and glasses.但是我做了雷射手术吃药治痘痘打肉毒治腋汗But with Lasik procedure, an Accutane prescription and medical-grade Botox injected into my armpits.我终于变正常人了Im normal.Yeah. You know, not a lot of people here get me. And how could they?我们的出身背景天差地远I mean, weve
42、 led such different lives.我以前没有摸过喀什米尔羊毛You know, Tve never touched cashmere before.我很少告诉别人这件事I dont really tell a lot of people this, but我妈妈吸食快克成瘾my mom is addicted to crack.这是我的经历You know, thats my story.我必须在校园打三份工And now I have to work three on-campus jobs才能寄钱回去给她和我妹妹just so I can send money back
43、to her and my baby sister.我只希望她不会拿去买♥♥毒品And I just have to hope she doesnt spend it on crack.天啊你真的太辛苦了Oh, my God, that is just so much for you to be dealing with.是啊但是你知道吗Yeah, yeah, but you know what?我比莉拉好多了It is nothing compared to what Lila has been through.那个可怜的女生比我苦太多了I mean, that
44、poor girl has it so much worse than me.莉拉经历了什么事Whats Lilas story?该死的God damn it.这是在搞什么鬼What the actual fuck?你们知道当着学校职员的面被朋友甩了有多模吗Okay, do you guys have any idea how humiliating it is to be friend-dumped in front of a clerical worker?相信我小蕾我们也不希望这样Believe me, Leight, we didnt want it to be this way.其实
45、我们是希望这样但不想看到你这么难过Well, we did want it to be this way, but it hurts to see you so upset.我不懂我以为我们是朋友I dont understand. I thought we were friends.怎么突然沉默了难道我们不是朋友吗Whats with this fucking pause? Were we not friends?对啦我们是常常在一起但老实说我们并不了解你I mean, we hung out, obviously, but the truth is, we never really fel
46、t like we knew you. 你总是神神秘秘的Yeah, you were always so secretive or something.我们好像是在跟陌生人交朋友It was like being friends with a stranger.你们在说什么我什么事都告诉你们What are you guys talking about? I literally tell you everything.你才没有I dont think thats true.你似乎筑了一道高墙Its like, theres this wall with you.不对哪有什么No, theres
47、.随便啦,我懒得管God, okay, whatever! Whatever, I dont care.抱歉我不像其他女生一样对闺密掏心挖肺Im sorry that Im not like an over-sharer like every other fucking girl in our generation. 我只是觉得你可以更坦诚一点I just think that you could open up more.好,这样够坦诚了吗Okay, okay, is this open enough for you?你们两个都去死吧你们伤了我的心fuck you both, you really hurt my feelings祝你们被冷气机砸死and I hope an air conditioner falls on you.你一直没出房♥间我从店里拿了吃的东西给你Hey, you haven*t been out in a bit so I brought you some food from w