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1、U9:THEY DARED COCAIN AND LOST他们输给了可卡因 A Dream Destroyed梦想破灭Stan Belin was born in the 1930s to an urban family locked in the grip of the Great Depression. His was a fractured family, one in which his parents fought constantly. “I lived with a feeling of impending doom,” he says. This fear drove him
2、to be a model child. 斯坦贝林出生在20世纪30年代一个陷入经济大萧条困境之中的城市家庭。这是一个破裂的家庭，父母争吵频繁。“我感到世界末日即将来临，”他说。这种恐惧感驱使他成为一个模范孩子。Stan has a vivid memory of once leaning against a bridge railing as a boy and gazing at a handsome party boat passing below. He could see people on deck enjoying their outing. It was a scene of
3、comfort and luxury he could hardly have imagined. That mental picture influenced the boys idea of success. His goals became money, power, and prestige.斯坦清楚地记得自己在孩提时代，曾有一次倚在一座桥的栏杆上，凝视着一条造型美观的游船，载着一群兴高采烈的人从桥下驶过。他看得出，甲板上的人们出来玩得非常开心。这种舒适与奢侈的情景是他无法想像的。这一情景铭刻在他的脑海里，影响着他的成功观。于是他的奋斗目标就是金钱、权势和威望。Stan did wel
4、l in school. He found his greatest academic success in his science courses. But he lacked the confidence to pursue a medical career and turned to dentistry as a quicker route to his lifes goals.在学校，斯坦的功课很好。他发现自己学得最好的科目是理科。但是他没有信心从事医学，所以便选择了牙医，作为一条实现自己人生目标的捷径。He married a young woman he had known sin
5、ce high school, and for over 20 years Stan and Jane lived a life that many people would envy. His reputation spread, the money started rolling in and he was appointed to a prestigious position by his state government. Two healthy children were born. The family had a magnificent house, expensive auto
6、mobiles and took exotic vacations.他娶了一位中学时代就认识的女子为妻20多年来，他和妻子简过着让很多人羡慕的生活。他的名气越来越大，财源滚滚，还被州政府任命要职。同时他还有两个健康的孩子。他拥有华丽的住宅和昂贵的汽车，并常常出国度假。The crowning touch for Stan came when he bought a luxury yacht and sailed to the bridge where, as a child, he had first glimpsed what he hoped would be his future. “I
7、 told Jane the story,” he says. “As I spoke, I realized that something was all wrong. I possessed everything I had ever dreamed of, but I felt very sad and hopeless. What was worse, I knew it would never change.”斯坦感触最深的时刻是他买了一条豪华游艇，驶到那座小桥下。在孩提时代，他曾在那里第一次看到了他所希望的未来生活。“我把那次经历告诉了简，”他说。“说话时，我忽然意识到情况很不对劲
8、。我已拥有曾经梦寐以求的一切，但却感到悲伤无望。更糟糕的是，我知道这种状况将永远不会改变。”Then in the early 1980s, a doctor friend invited Stan to dinner. The friend said he had been using cocaine as an antidepressant. He described it as a marvelous nonaddictive drug. Stan decided the drug might be just right for his own depression.到了80年代初，有一
9、位当医生的朋友请他吃饭。这位朋友说他一直用可卡因来消除抑郁。他说这种药很神奇， 不会使人上瘾。于是，斯坦肯定，这种药可能正好适合他自己的抑郁。 “From the instant I snorted the first line of cocaine, I was addicted,” says Stan. “It gave me poise, confidence, happinessthings I had believed money should buy. It made me seem a better person, a better talker, a better dentis
10、t.”“我吸入第一口可卡因的那一瞬间就上瘾了。”斯坦这样说。“它能使我镇静、自信、快乐这都是我原来认为金钱能够买到的感觉。可卡因使我感到自己变成了一个更出色、更健谈的人和一个更优秀的牙医。”At first Stan did not believe that he was doing anything wrong: “I thought I had finally found an antidepressant drug that raised me from my misery. It angered me that such a wonderful drug would continue
11、to be outlawed.”起初，斯坦不觉得自己做错了什么。“我以为终于找到了一种抗抑郁药品，把我从痛苦中解脱了出来。我感到愤慨，这么好的药竟然始终被法律禁止。”Two years after Stans introduction to cocaine, his insulation from the world of street addiction was knocked asunder when his physician friend was murdered. A week later, Stan walked out of his dental office and never
12、 returned. “At the time, I believed I could not deal with the pressures of my practice, but that wasnt it. I just needed more time for my addiction.”斯坦使用可卡因两年之后，那位当医生的朋友遭到谋杀。于是，他再也不能与街上吸毒者的世界绝缘了。一周之后，斯坦离开了牙科办公室，从此再也没有回来。“当时，我以为这是因为自己不能应付工作的压力，但这不是真正的原因。真正的原因是，我需要更多的时间吸毒。”He spent his days aimlesslyg
13、oing shopping with his wife, and wandering from doctor to doctor to find help for his depressionall the while snorting cocaine. He took menial jobs. He frequently considered suicide. 他的生活漫无目标陪妻子购物，到处求医，寻找能够使他摆脱抑郁的办法同时还一直吸着毒。他做一些低贱的工作，还经常想自杀。By the third year of Stans addiction, the effects of cocain
14、e were increasingly fleeting. The high would last for only seconds before he would crash back to the depths of his depression.到了斯坦吸毒的第三年，可卡因的效果越来越短。快乐的感觉只能持续几秒钟，然后又马上陷入深深的抑郁中。“Finally, it reached the point where I just stood around crying,” Stan says. Jane knew her husbands condition was desperate,
15、and she persuaded him to enter an addiction center. Stan checked into a prominent institution, but he had one-half ounce of cocaine concealed in his clothes. “I was cooperative for a few days, until I had snorted up my cocaine,” Stan says. Then he splitas he did other times when Jane convinced him t
16、o seek help.“最后， 我甚至发展到站着大哭的程度， 斯坦说。 ” 简知道丈夫已到了绝望的境地， 于是规劝他去戒毒中心治疗。 斯坦报名来到一家著名的戒毒所，但是他的衣服里藏着半盎司可卡因。“在吸完这些可卡因之前，我合作了几天， ” 斯坦说。然后他就溜走了以前当妻子说服他寻求帮助时，他也是这样。Once when Stan believed he had finally beaten his addiction, he was washing his car and saw a small vial of cocaine, a leftover from his past, roll
17、from beneath the carpet. “Just the sight of it made me high,” he recalls. “I put it in my pocket. I thought it would make me stronger to keep it and resist the temptation. But my mind never left that vial.”斯坦曾一时以为最终战胜了毒瘾，可他在洗车时，看见过去剩下的一小瓶可卡因从地毯下滚了出来。“一看见它就使 我兴奋， ”他回忆说。“我把它装到口袋里。我想，留着它并抗拒其诱惑会使我意志更坚强。
18、但是我的心里时刻都想着这个小瓶子。”Like a serpent coiled in Stans pocket, the little vial of cocaine lay quietly. A war raged in Stans mind. Then the serpent struck with a ferocity known only to those who are powerless against their addiction.这一小瓶可卡因就像一条盘绕着的毒蛇，静静地躺在斯坦的口袋里。斯坦的心里展开了激烈的斗争。突然这条蛇向他发起猛烈攻击，其凶猛的程度只有那些在毒瘾面前意
19、志薄弱的人才知道。Today Stan has completed an extensive rehabilitation program for his addiction and works as a counselor in a drug program. His salary is one-seventh what he earned as a dentist; his house and boat are gone.现在，斯坦已完成了一个全面的戒毒疗程，并在一项戒毒计划中担任顾问。他的工资只有当牙医时的七分之一， 房子和船都没有了。Only time will reveal if h
20、e finally has beaten his addiction. Now, as he tries to build his new life, Stan is determined not to let the serpent get so close.只有时间能说明他是否最终战胜了毒瘾。斯坦现在已筹划创建新的生活，他决定再也不让那条毒蛇近身了。Dance of Death死亡之舞At the age of 21, Patrick Bissell burst upon New York as principal dancer of the American Ballet Theatre
21、. Rarely had a man so young dazzled so many in the supercharged, intensely competitive world of ballet. He was praised, in the words of Mikhail Baryshnikov, as “one of the brightest lights in the entire ballet world”. 帕特里克比斯尔 21岁时，便作为美国芭蕾舞剧院的主要演员，在纽约崭露头角。这么年轻的人很少能够在竞争激烈的芭蕾舞界如此风靡。他受到赞美，用麦克尔巴利史尼科夫的话说，
22、他是“整个芭蕾舞界最亮的明灯之一。”Patrick Bissell also helped bury the American myth that ballet is for sissies. At six feet two inches tall, Patrick was a tough, hard-drinking kid from Texas with a passion for motorcycles, cowboy boots and women. He was a muscle man who could twirl ballerinas into the air and make
23、 them look as graceful as butterflies.帕特里克比斯尔的成功结束了那个只有女人气的男人才能进入芭蕾舞界的美国神话。 帕特里克是来自得克萨斯州的少年，他身高六尺二，粗犷、嗜酒，酷爱摩托车、牛仔靴和女人。他强壮有力，可以托起女演员在空中旋转，使她们如同蝴蝶一样优美动人。Seven months after his birth in 1957, baby Bissell was not walking, according to his mother; he was actually running. When Patrick was ten, his siste
24、r bribed him with her allowance to come to her dance class, because she needed a partner. His natural gifts of coordination and stamina were stunning, and from that point on, his destiny was dance. 据比斯尔的母亲说，1957年出生后七个月时，小比斯尔简直就不是走，而是在跑了。帕特里克10岁时，姐姐用自己的零花钱贿赂他，让他去她的舞蹈班，因为她需要舞伴。他的协调感和耐力是他与生俱来的天赋，无不使人叹服
25、。从那时起，他的命运就注定是跳舞了。The ballet world is notoriously brutal in its physical and emotional demands. The primary goal is absolute perfection. Unlike a professional athlete, which many believe Bissell could have become, a ballet star never has the satisfaction of knowing a final score, or of beating the c
26、ompetition. He competes only against himselfand for a perfectionist this may be the harshest competition of all.芭蕾舞界对演员身体和情感素质的要求之残酷是众所周知的。其根本目标就是绝对完美。很多人相信，比斯尔完全可能成为一个职业运动员，但芭蕾舞明星与职业运动员不同的是，他永远也不会因为知道了自己的最终得分或者比赛获胜而感到满足。他的竞争对手是自己对一个完美主义者来说，这也许是最为残酷的竞争。When young Bissell set off for life, his mother
27、 believes he carried with him seeds that would lead to his destruction. Patrick was one of five children born in six years to Patricia and Donald Bissell, an ambitious young couple who moved six times by the time Patrick was 12.比斯尔的母亲认为，年轻的比斯尔踏上人生道路时，身上就带着导致他毁灭的种子。帕特里克是帕特丽夏比斯尔和唐纳德比斯尔 6 年之内生下的5个孩子之一。
28、 比斯尔夫妇雄心勃勃， 到帕特里克12 岁时，就已搬过6次家。Patricia Bissell, herself terribly frustrated during those years, is convinced that her sons self-esteem was so battered by her emotional and physical beatings when he was a child that he carried with him a deep-seated hatred of himself. True or not, Patrick Bissells l
29、ife seems tormented from the time he was a very young man.在那些年里，帕特丽夏比斯尔自己受到严重挫折。她深信自己对儿子在身心方面的屡次打击使他的自尊心受到了严重的损伤， 所以在他还是个孩子的时候，便对自己怀有一种根深蒂固的仇恨。无论事实是否如此，帕特里克比斯尔自很年轻之时起，生活就好像受到痛苦的折磨。Every indication is that, even early in his career, Bissell was addicted to cocaine, alcohol and other drugs. But his st
30、rength and skill were so tremendous that he was able to perform the most demanding work without his managers knowing the truth.各种迹象表明，比斯尔在舞蹈生涯的早期就已经对可卡因、烈酒和其他毒品上瘾。但他力量巨大、技艺高超，能够完成难度最高的动作，因此他的经纪人始终不知道真相。In her autobiography, Dancing on My Grave, ballerina Gelsey Kirkland claims that Bissell introduce
31、d her to cocaine soon after his success in New York City, thus setting their private stage for a long affair of sex and drugs. She watched Bissells paranoia grow to the point that, when he slept, he kept a hatchet under the bed and a knife under his pillow. He would stand by the apartment door for h
32、ours with a can of Mace to fend off imagined intruders.芭蕾舞女演员盖尔赛柯克兰在自传坟墓上的舞蹈中说，比斯尔在纽约城取得成功后不久，就引诱她吸食可卡因。从此便开始了他们那种与性和毒品有关的秘密关系，这种关系持续了很长一段时间。她观察到，比斯尔的妄想症发展到了睡觉时在床下放斧子、在枕头下放刀子的地步。他会站在公寓门口达数小时，拿着一瓶梅斯催泪喷射剂，来抵御想像中的侵犯者。In June 1981, only three years into his career, Bissell slashed his wrist. When the pa
33、ramedics reached him, Bissell smashed a bottle to use for a weapon and fought them off. Next day, he was bandaged and back onstage.1981年6月，他的芭蕾舞生涯只有三年，比斯尔便割断了自己的手腕。当医务护理人员赶来时，比斯尔把瓶子打碎作为武器，把他们赶走。第二天，他缠着绷带，重返舞台。By this time, he and Kirkland were clearly out of control spending weeks on cocaine binges.
34、 Increasingly they were absent from rehearsals and late for performances. Both were fired from their jobs, rehired and fired again. In the end, Gelsey Kirkland sought help. 显然，到这时为止，他与柯克兰都已失控他们连续数周无节制地吸食可卡因。渐渐地，他们不去排练，演出迟到。他们双双被解雇，重新被雇佣，然后又被解雇。最后，盖尔赛柯克兰去寻求帮助。Patrick Bissell did not.帕特里克比斯尔却没有。In the
35、 fall of 1987, the ballet company sent Bissell away for treatment to the Betty Ford Center in California. He told friends that he was ready to clean up his life. He wanted a fresh start.1987年秋天，芭蕾舞公司将比斯尔送往加利福尼亚贝蒂福特中心去治疗。他对朋友们说，他准备重新生活，他希望有一个崭新的开端。He was released a week early and returned to New York
36、. During December, Amy Rose, a ballerina he had become engaged to, was on tour in California and would return to New York after the holidays. Alone, Bissell got Christmas tree and decorated it for their apartment.他提前一星期从中心出来，回到了纽约。12月间，与比斯尔订了婚的芭蕾舞女演员埃米罗斯去了加州，准备过完节后回纽约。比斯尔独自一人在家，买了一棵圣诞树，并装饰了一下，放在他们的公
37、寓里。On December 23, he had a long telephone conversation with his parents. His mother begged him to join them at home. He declined, explaining that being alone during Christmas was a chance for him to show that he was strong enough to live without cocaine. 12月23日，他与父母通了一次长长的电话。母亲求他回家团圆。他谢绝了母亲，解释说圣诞节独
38、自一人，可以给他一个机会来证明没有可卡因他也能够坚强地生活。Four days after Christmas, Amy Rose let herself into the apartment. She discovered Patricks body on the living-room couch. Patrick Bissell was dead of an overdose of cocaine and other drugs. He had just turned 30.圣诞节后的第四天，埃米罗斯走进公寓。她在起居室的沙发上发现了帕特里克的尸体。帕特里克比斯尔死于超剂量服用可卡因和其
39、他毒品。当时他刚刚30岁。Patricia Bissells voice breaks as she speaks of a death notice for her son in the New York Times. Beneath the name Bissell, it simply states: “Good night, sweet prince.”帕特丽夏比斯尔说起纽约时报上她儿子的死讯时泣不成声。比斯尔的名字下，只有简单的几个字：“晚安，甜蜜的王子。”It is impossible to say what, if anything, could have saved Patr
40、ick Bissell once he had begun his long dance of death. His mother, realizing that her assessment runs counter to some expert wisdom, offers a powerful insight: “We are quick to blame such tragedies on otherspeer pressure, stressful occupations, drug dealers, everyone except ourselves. But most of th
41、ese problems begin at home, when children are being brought up. It is hard for me to admit this, but I failed to nurture in Patrick the self-esteem he needed to deal with life. No matter how well he did, he felt that he had failed. He used drugs because they allowed him to escape that feeling. When
42、we come to understand and accept this aspect of addiction, maybe we can do something about it.” 在帕特里克比斯尔开始了漫长的死亡之舞后，我们很难说有什么可以拯救他。当他母亲认识到自己的看法与有些专家的看法不同时，提出了以下有力的见解：“我们很容易把这样的悲剧归罪于他人同行的竞争压力、紧张 的职业、毒贩子，以及除了我们自己以外的所有其他人。但是，这类问题多数起源于家里，也就是在我们把孩子抚 养成人的时候。承认这一点对我来说很不容易，我没有能够在帕特里克身上培养面对生活所需要的自尊。无论他做得多么好，他都觉得自己失败了。他吸毒，是因为毒品能使他摆脱这种失败感。当我们明白并且接受这一原因时， 也许我们会为解决这个问题做点什么。”