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1、上海市第一学期期末作文分析上海市第一学期期末作文分析高三一模试卷英语作文分析高三一模试卷英语作文分析令人紧张的期末考试终于画上了休止符。但正如“休止符”三令人紧张的期末考试终于画上了休止符。但正如“休止符”三个字本身的内蕴，代表考核告一段落，也让我们期待更精彩的延续。个字本身的内蕴，代表考核告一段落，也让我们期待更精彩的延续。虽然尚处寒假，虽然尚处寒假，但高三学生及其家长并未因此宽心，但高三学生及其家长并未因此宽心，对二模卷乃至高对二模卷乃至高考试卷的担心不减反增。所谓“预则立，不预则败”，为更好地应对考试卷的担心不减反增。所谓“预则立，不预则败”，为更好地应对后面的考核，亟需我们对一摸卷作充
2、分反思。后面的考核，亟需我们对一摸卷作充分反思。为帮助高三学生有效掌握高考英语写作方法，为帮助高三学生有效掌握高考英语写作方法，笔者对笔者对20102010年全市年全市1818个区县的一模卷进行了整理、个区县的一模卷进行了整理、分析，分析，最后惊讶发现，最后惊讶发现，虽然各区县作虽然各区县作文形式上稍有不同，文形式上稍有不同，文体却惊人一致，文体却惊人一致，都是都是描述文描述文。由此便有必要对由此便有必要对一模卷的描述文写作进行梳理归类。具体如下：一模卷的描述文写作进行梳理归类。具体如下：第一类是观点表述，谈谈对某件事的看法。第一类是观点表述，谈谈对某件事的看法。浦东新区、闵行、长浦东新区、闵
3、行、长宁、杨浦、普陀、崇宁、杨浦、普陀、崇 明明、青浦、卢湾和虹口九个区县都以此为作文青浦、卢湾和虹口九个区县都以此为作文主题，主题，内容从学生作业负担过重到醉酒驾驶，内容从学生作业负担过重到醉酒驾驶，到志愿者服务，到志愿者服务，不一而不一而足。其中长宁和杨浦足。其中长宁和杨浦“不谋而合地一致”触及社会热点谈谈如“不谋而合地一致”触及社会热点谈谈如何看待十八位复旦学生去黄山探险遇险获救而有一位民警不幸牺牲何看待十八位复旦学生去黄山探险遇险获救而有一位民警不幸牺牲的事件。的事件。可见，可见，作文主题已从学校生活渐渐聚焦社会议题，作文主题已从学校生活渐渐聚焦社会议题，这不能不这不能不引起注意。引起
4、注意。第二类是写信。第二类是写信。徐徐 汇汇、松松 江江（使使 用用 徐徐 汇汇 区区 试试 卷卷）、宝山、宝山、闸北和黄浦五个区以写信形式为作文要求，闸北和黄浦五个区以写信形式为作文要求，但信中内容终究还是谈对但信中内容终究还是谈对某件事的看法，某件事的看法，如如“本班的介绍和对新同学李刚的要求或期望”“本班的介绍和对新同学李刚的要求或期望”、“回“回忆你高中生活中最难忘的点点滴滴，忆你高中生活中最难忘的点点滴滴，就他们即将开始的高中生活提出就他们即将开始的高中生活提出你的建议”你的建议”、“火灾带来的危害和预防火灾的重要性”“火灾带来的危害和预防火灾的重要性”、“中国达人秀”“中国达人秀”
5、。第三类是图表。第三类是图表。这次三个区的试卷以图表考核学生写作能力，但这次三个区的试卷以图表考核学生写作能力，但形式上略有不同：静安为柱状图、嘉定为图片、金山区则选择表格。形式上略有不同：静安为柱状图、嘉定为图片、金山区则选择表格。第四类是活动介绍。第四类是活动介绍。本次模考，奉贤区个性化地以活动介绍为作本次模考，奉贤区个性化地以活动介绍为作文形式。文形式。尽管形式多样状态，但总的来说，主要提出两个要求。描写是其尽管形式多样状态，但总的来说，主要提出两个要求。描写是其中之一，但描写在我们看来只是几句话带过的“述题”部分，仅为引中之一，但描写在我们看来只是几句话带过的“述题”部分，仅为引子。子
6、。重头戏是第二个要求，重头戏是第二个要求，即要求考生看到事件背后的深刻主题而谈即要求考生看到事件背后的深刻主题而谈出些有哲理的观点，出些有哲理的观点，这才是评判作文质量的关键所在。这才是评判作文质量的关键所在。下面两个例子下面两个例子可清楚说明这点。可清楚说明这点。例子一：例子一：请简要描述此事并就请简要描述此事并就“是否应该鼓励大学生去探险”“是否应该鼓励大学生去探险”这个话这个话题谈谈你的看法。题谈谈你的看法。（长宁区）（长宁区）；例子二：对市民遛狗例子二：对市民遛狗(walk(walk thethe dog)dog)的描述；自己养宠物的经历或社的描述；自己养宠物的经历或社会上养宠物的情况
7、；你对养宠物的看法。会上养宠物的情况；你对养宠物的看法。而浦东新区在这方面的要求更为显豁。而浦东新区在这方面的要求更为显豁。“阐述如何过生日更有意“阐述如何过生日更有意义。义。”从本次考试学生作文呈现的情况来看，从本次考试学生作文呈现的情况来看，学生在审题和具有逻辑性学生在审题和具有逻辑性地表达方面还是有不少问题的。地表达方面还是有不少问题的。下面我们就浦东新区作文如何进行审下面我们就浦东新区作文如何进行审题和如何进行具有逻辑性得表达方面作一些分析。题和如何进行具有逻辑性得表达方面作一些分析。Directions:Write an English composition in 120Direc
8、tions:Write an English composition in 120 150 words150 wordsaccording to the instructions given below in Chinese.according to the instructions given below in Chinese.每个人每年都会过生日。每个人每年都会过生日。请你简要描述一下你通常是怎么过生日请你简要描述一下你通常是怎么过生日also feel needed when part of my moneyalso feel needed when part of my money i
9、s donated to charityis donated to charity on that on thatday.My birthdayday.My birthdayjust an ordinary dayjust an ordinary day spells two words:respectspells two words:respectand give.and give.Birthday shouldBirthday should be extended tobe extended to a deeper thinking of life.a deeper thinking of
10、 life.Days areDays aregonegone whenwhen wewe werewere surroundedsurrounded byby thosethose whowho lovedloved usus andand wereweresoaked insoaked in（沉湎；热衷于）（沉湎；热衷于）“happy birthday to you.happy birthday to you.”（定语从句）（定语从句）InsteadInstead,it should be our turn to care about others with our respectit sh
11、ould be our turn to care about others with our respectand affection.and affection.No man can live in this society without being connectedNo man can live in this society without being connectedtoto others.others.AllAll wewe veve gainedgained is is largelylargely duedue toto othersothers devotiondevot
12、ion andandsacrifice.Our birthdaysacrifice.Our birthday has provided us with a platform tohas provided us with a platform to（宾语从（宾语从句）句）Show yourShow your gratitude andgratitude and respectrespect;give;give a a helpinghelping handhand toto thosethosewhowho are desperate for helpare desperate for help
13、.（定语从句）（定语从句）All that makes our world aAll that makes our world abetter place will make our birthday meaningful and prove our beingbetter place will make our birthday meaningful and prove our beingmature.Thatmature.That s what birthdays are all about!s what birthdays are all about!点评：点评：该文章首先符合题目要求，
14、该文章首先符合题目要求，而且逻辑性很强，而且逻辑性很强，中心段紧紧扣住中心段紧紧扣住respectrespect 和和 givegive 两个字眼两个字眼；再者，；再者，文中不乏精妙表达文中不乏精妙表达，如：，如：“throw athrow acrazy party,honor the hardships,spell two words,be extended to,becrazy party,honor the hardships,spell two words,be extended to,besoaked in,take for granted,be all aboutsoaked in
15、,take for granted,be all about”；另外在从句应用上也十分另外在从句应用上也十分出彩出彩，如，如“pay back what weve taken for granted and cherish what“pay back what weve taken for granted and cherish whatweve obtainedweve obtained；give a helping hand to those who are desperate forgive a helping hand to those who are desperate forhel
16、phelp；Thats what birthdays are all about!”Thats what birthdays are all about!”；最值得一提的是该学生最值得一提的是该学生在字里行间所折射出的思想成熟之美和具有体悟生活的哲理之美在字里行间所折射出的思想成熟之美和具有体悟生活的哲理之美。可可见该作者在平日语言学习中不仅懂得积累，见该作者在平日语言学习中不仅懂得积累，懂得灵活运用，懂得灵活运用，而且还使而且还使自己的眼光更加深邃，自己的眼光更加深邃，洞察社会的能力更加敏锐，洞察社会的能力更加敏锐，对待生活的态度更对待生活的态度更加自然，面对人生的道路更加自信。这是篇高分作
17、文。加自然，面对人生的道路更加自信。这是篇高分作文。学生习作二：学生习作二：EveryoneEveryone hashas hishis oror herher ownown birthday,birthday,soso everyevery yearyear therethere is is a aspecial day for us to celebrate.Yet,special day for us to celebrate.Yet,how to observe it is a matter ofhow to observe it is a matter ofpersonal tast
18、e.personal taste.Take myself as an exampleTake myself as an example,when it comes towhen it comes to my birthday every my birthday everyyear,year,mymy mummum willwill reserve a reserve a bigbig dinnerdinner inin a restaurant.a restaurant.The wholeThe wholefamilyfamily gathergather together,together,
19、celebratingcelebrating mymy birthdaybirthday andand wishingwishing meme a ahappy life and a successful future.happy life and a successful future.（现在分词）（现在分词）Then we eat noodlesThen we eat noodleswhichwhich symbolizesymbolize longevitylongevity.It It seemsseems likelike a a happyhappy day,day,butbut
20、notnotnecessarily a very meaningful one.necessarily a very meaningful one.In my opinion,as it is a special day in our life,In my opinion,as it is a special day in our life,which means a stepwhich means a steptowards our growthtowards our growth,we should spend it in a more meaningful way.,we should
21、spend it in a more meaningful way.First of all,asFirst of all,as it was our mum who it was our mum who gave birth to us years ago,gave birth to us years ago,（强调（强调句型）句型）withwith daysdays passingpassing byby,it it s s timetime forfor usus toto showshow ourour lovelove andandgratitude.gratitude.WeWe c
22、ancan dodo somesome houseworkhousework oror justjust saysay“ThankThank youyou forforyouryour carecare andand love.love.”MoreoverMoreover,wewe shouldshould extendextend ourour concernconcern totoothersothers who are in need of love and care.who are in need of love and care.（定语从句）（定语从句）Also we canAlso
23、 we canspend the day in the community helping old people or offering to takespend the day in the community helping old people or offering to takecarecare ofof children.children.LastLast butbut notnot least,least,thethe wholewhole familyfamily cancan gogo onon ananexcursionexcursion insteadinstead of
24、of havinghaving a a bigbig dinner.dinner.It It s s a a wonderfulwonderful timetime totoexpose ourselves to natureexpose ourselves to nature.InIn mymy view,view,it it meansmeans muchmuch moremore toto choosechoose ourour ownown wayway totocelebrate our birthday.celebrate our birthday.点评：尽管没有华丽的辞藻，没有复
25、杂的句型，但点评：尽管没有华丽的辞藻，没有复杂的句型，但 行文流畅，层次清行文流畅，层次清晰，是篇能效仿的好文章晰，是篇能效仿的好文章。这点提醒我们，只要懂得灵活应用，只要。这点提醒我们，只要懂得灵活应用，只要表达恰如其分，表达恰如其分，哪怕是基本词汇，哪怕是基本词汇，通过非谓语动词和一些句型，通过非谓语动词和一些句型，亦能亦能妙笔生花。可惜的是结尾戛然而止，有些流于平淡。妙笔生花。可惜的是结尾戛然而止，有些流于平淡。学生习作三：学生习作三：学生原文：学生原文：LongLong gonegone areare thethe days whendays when birthdays werebi
26、rthdays were viewedviewed as aas a holyholyceremony to celebrate oneceremony to celebrate one s birth and extend gratitude to people whos birth and extend gratitude to people whoentitledentitled usus toto thethe fortunefortune ofof seeingseeing thisthis amazingamazing world.world.Nowadays,Nowadays,b
27、irthday means merely togetherness with entertainment and fun.birthday means merely togetherness with entertainment and fun.Birthdays are usually not celebrated in my family.A small cake,aBirthdays are usually not celebrated in my family.A small cake,aperiod of time when family members gather togethe
28、r,a few words ofperiod of time when family members gather together,a few words ofblessing can be what my birthday is all about.blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However,However,it it is is timetime toto makemake a a change.change.I I mm notnot holdingholding biasbias ononhavinghaving fun
29、fun onon birthdays,birthdays,butbut maybemaybe wewe areare capablecapable ofof doingdoingsomethingsomething moremore sensible.sensible.AboveAbove all,all,expressingexpressing gratitudegratitude toto ourourparents is of significant importance,for they are the very persons toparents is of significant
30、importance,for they are the very persons togive us life.Furthermore,doing something special such as taking upgive us life.Furthermore,doing something special such as taking upsome voluntary work,helping the lonely elderly in the neighborhoodsome voluntary work,helping the lonely elderly in the neigh
31、borhoodon my birthday may exhibit our value as individuals in society andon my birthday may exhibit our value as individuals in society andserve as the driving force for our readiness to help others.These mayserve as the driving force for our readiness to help others.These mayhelphelp usus cultivate
32、cultivate a a sensesense ofof devotiondevotion toto thethe communitycommunity inin thethe longlongrun.run.OnOn mymy birthdaybirthday thisthis year,year,I I mm determineddetermined toto gogo allall outout toto dodoso-ething valuable,showing the world thatso-ething valuable,showing the world thatmymy
33、birthbirth into itinto it is is not anot amere coincidence but a wonderful existence.mere coincidence but a wonderful existence.教师对学生文章批改的过程显示：教师对学生文章批改的过程显示：LongLong gonegone areare thethe days whendays when birthdaysbirthdays werewere viewedviewed asas a a holyholyceremony to celebrate oneceremony
34、 to celebrate one s birth ands birth and extend gratitude toextend gratitude to people who people whoentitledentitled usus toto thethe fortunefortune ofof seeingseeing thisthis amazingamazing world.world.Nowadays,Nowadays,birthdaybirthdays s means merely means merely togethernesstogetherness(从上下文的意思
35、中可以推测出，从上下文的意思中可以推测出，作作 者者 在在 此此 处处 是是 想想 要要 表表 示示“聚聚 会会”get-togetherget-together 的的 意意 思思)withwithentertainment and fun.entertainment and fun.Birthdays are usually not celebrated in my familyBirthdays are usually not celebrated in my family solemnlysolemnly.（庄（庄严的；正式的）严的；正式的）A small cake,a period o
36、f time when family membersA small cake,a period of time when family membersgather togethergather together,（定语从句）（定语从句）and a few words of blessing can be whatand a few words of blessing can be whatmy birthday is all about.my birthday is all about.However,However,it is time to make a changeit is time
37、to make a change.I.I m not holding biasm not holding bias（偏（偏见）见）onon(against)(against)having fun on birthdays,but maybe we are capable of having fun on birthdays,but maybe we are capable ofdoing somethingdoing something more sensiblemore sensible(meaningful)(meaningful).Above allAbove all（此处应该使用（此处
38、应该使用For exampleFor example）,expressing gratitude to our parents is of,expressing gratitude to our parents is ofsignificantsignificant(应应改为改为 great)great)importance,for they are the very persons to give us life.importance,for they are the very persons to give us life.Furthermore,Furthermore,doingdoin
39、g somethingsomething specialspecial(beneficial)(beneficial)suchsuch asas takingtaking upupsomesome voluntaryvoluntary work,work,andand helpinghelping thethe lonelylonely elderlyelderly inin thetheneighborhood on my birthdayneighborhood on my birthday may exhibit our value as individuals inmay exhibi
40、t our value as individuals insociety and serve associety and serve as the driving forcethe driving force for our readiness to help others.for our readiness to help others.These may help usThese may help us cultivate a sense of devotion to the community incultivate a sense of devotion to the communit
41、y inthe long runthe long run.OnOn mymy birthdaybirthday thisthis year,year,I I m m determineddetermined to to gogo allall outout to to dodosomethingsomething valuablevaluable(此句和上面的观点上有些重叠，没有在层次上进此句和上面的观点上有些重叠，没有在层次上进行提升。试看后面的表述：行提升。试看后面的表述：It was a massive effort to keep this goingIt was a massive
42、effort to keep this going(不光和上面的不光和上面的 usus 呼应，呼应，而且是对前句的建议提出了建设性的意见。而且是对前句的建议提出了建设性的意见。)From myFrom mybirthday this yearbirthday this year,I appeal to all the people with my own,I appeal to all the people with my ownactionaction that ourthat our birthbirth intointo the worldthe world is is not a me
43、renot a mere coincidencecoincidence butbut a awonderfulwonderful existenceexistence(应改成应改成 notnot merelymerely a a lifelife extensionextension butbut reallyreally a ahumanhuman evolution)evolution).（改动前句的原因是逻辑上不够严密，因为“光（改动前句的原因是逻辑上不够严密，因为“光临这个社会是一种巧合”临这个社会是一种巧合”的说法一般来是比较适合于生物学的，的说法一般来是比较适合于生物学的，而不而不
44、太适合社会学的，太适合社会学的，因此，因此，我们用红字进行了必要的修改。我们用红字进行了必要的修改。至于后面的至于后面的“精彩的存在”“精彩的存在”的说法虽然没有什么错误，的说法虽然没有什么错误，但从逻辑上判断，但从逻辑上判断，过于宽过于宽泛，所以，改成了“人类的进化”即“人类发展”的层面，对前面内泛，所以，改成了“人类的进化”即“人类发展”的层面，对前面内容进行升华。容进行升华。）最后的定稿：最后的定稿：LongLong gonegone areare thethe daysdays whenwhen birthdaysbirthdays werewere viewedviewed asas
45、 a a holyholyceremony to celebrate oneceremony to celebrate one s birth and extend gratitude to people whos birth and extend gratitude to people whoentitledentitled usus toto thethe fortunefortune ofof seeingseeing thisthis amazingamazing world.world.Nowadays,Nowadays,birthdays means merely get-toge
46、ther with entertainment and fun.birthdays means merely get-together with entertainment and fun.BirthdaysBirthdays areare usuallyusually notnot celebratedcelebrated inin mymy familyfamily solemnly.solemnly.A Asmallsmall cake,cake,a a periodperiod ofof time whentime when familyfamily membersmembers ga
47、thergather together,together,and a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.and a few words of blessing can be what my birthday is all about.However,it is time to make a change.IHowever,it is time to make a change.I m not holding bias againstm not holding bias againsthavinghaving f
48、unfun onon birthdays,birthdays,butbut maybemaybe wewe areare capablecapable ofof doingdoingsomethingsomething meaningful.meaningful.ForFor example,example,expressingexpressing gratitudegratitude toto ourourparents is of great importance,for they are the very persons to giveparents is of great import
49、ance,for they are the very persons to giveusus life.life.Furthermore,Furthermore,doingdoing somethingsomething beneficialbeneficial suchsuch asas takingtaking upupsomesome voluntaryvoluntary work,work,andand helpinghelping thethe lonelylonely elderlyelderly inin thetheneighborhood on my birthday may
50、 exhibit our value as individuals inneighborhood on my birthday may exhibit our value as individuals insociety and serve as the driving force for our readiness to help others.society and serve as the driving force for our readiness to help others.These may help us cultivate a sense of devotion to th