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1、,A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,Get the kid. 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，
2、“让小的干吧。”Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him? Jack: Certainly. Tom: And why? Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. 汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？ 杰克：当然应该了。 汤姆：为什么？ 杰克：否则他就该跟我借了。Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
3、Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,School-Go slow. 老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着学校-慢行. He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: Thats too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the
4、 window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。The SwimmerThe teacher told the class the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast. Johnny laughed. Do you doubt that a good swimmer could do that? asked the teacher. No, sir, answer
5、ed Johnny, but I wonder why he did not swim it four times and get back to the side where his clothes were. 老师给同学们讲了一个小故事，说有一个人早饭前要在河里游泳，横渡三趟。 约翰尼笑了。 老师问道：“你不相信一个游泳很好的人可以做到么？” 约翰尼回答说：“不是的，先生，我是不明白他为什么不游四次，好回到他放衣服的那边。” Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to
6、 say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:I PRAY FOR A BIKE. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD.His older brother nudged him and said, Why are you shouting your prayers? God isnt deaf.To which the little brother replied, No, but Grandma is!两个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭
7、地祈祷: 我祈求一辆自行车，一张新DVD哥哥用肘轻推他: 你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。弟弟答道:上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, Pull over!No, she replied, a pair of socks!巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说：靠边停车(套头衫)！不， 她回答，是一双袜子！A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.
8、 What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered. Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman? She is the one who sells the candy. 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。
9、 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: Ive just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？ 汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, What happened?
10、 A kid bit me, replied Ivan. Would you recognize him if you saw him again? asked his mother. Id know him any where, said Ivan. I have his ear in my pocket. 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” Jims History Examination Uncle: How did
11、 Jim do in his history examination? Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasnt his fault. They asked him things that happened before the poor boy was born. 吉姆的历史考试 舅舅：吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样？ 母亲：唉，糟透了。可话又说回来，这也不能怪他。嗨，他们尽问一些这个 可怜的孩子出生前的事儿。 The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, b
12、ut his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmothers loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? sh
13、e asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?Cry? John asked. No, I didnt cry, but the teacher did!六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”Two birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the ot
14、her is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀,一只是燕子。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是
15、燕子。 A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nicks answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 一次物理考试 在一次
16、物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。 这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？ 尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。 Goldfish Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them? Stan: In the bathroom 。 Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath? Stan: Blindfold them! 金鱼斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。 弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？ 斯丹：浴室。 弗
17、雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？ 斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！ A young business man had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around
18、 and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. Can I help you? The man said, Sure. Ive come to install the phone.我在谈一笔很大的生意一个年轻人刚开始做生意，租了一间漂亮的办公室。坐在办公室，他看见一个人从外面走进办公室。装着很忙的样子，他拿起话筒，假装正在跟人谈一笔很大的生意。他从嘴里说出的，都是数目很大的数字，还有口气很大的许诺。 最后，他挂上电话，问来访者:“您有什么事吗？”来访者说:“哦，我是来装电话的。” Whose Fat
19、her Was the Stronger?Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, “Well, you know the Pacific Ocean? My fathers the one who dug the hole for it.” Bill wasnt impressed, “Well, thats nothing. You know the Dead Sea? My fathers the one who killed it!” 威尔和比尔在为谁的父亲更强壮而争吵。
20、威尔说： “ 喏，你知道太平洋吗？就是我爸爸为它挖的洞。 ” 比尔不屑一顾： “ 噢，那没什么。你知道死海吗？那是我爸爸杀死的。 ” I Need Your FootballGeorge knocked on the door of his friends house. When his friends mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ” “No,” said the mother, “its too cold.” “Well, then,” said George, “can his football come
21、out to play ? ” 乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ” “ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ” “ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？ ” Doctor： I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.Patient： then send the bill to my father，please. 医生：“对你的抱怨我无能为力。那是遗传病。” 病人：“那请你把账单给我父亲吧。” When the young waitress in the caf i
22、n Toms building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, Are you single?Why, yes, Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet
23、 her?在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？” On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small crowd immediately gathers around him. Give the poor man a glass of brandy, advise
24、s a woman. Give him a heart massage, says someone else. No, just give him some brandy, insists the woman. Call an ambulance,yells another person. A brandy! The man suddenly sits up and exclaims. Shut up, everybody,and do as the kind lady says!在一个炎热的夏天，一位上了年纪的男子昏倒在街头。一群人立刻围了上去。 “给这个可怜的人一杯白兰地吧。” 一位女士建
25、议。“给他一点治心脏病的药。” 另外一个人说。 “不，还是给他一些白兰地，”那位女士坚持说。“还是叫一辆救护车吧。” 有人叫道。 “一杯白兰地。” 这时地上的那个人坐了起来，嚷着，“都闭嘴，就照那位好心的太太说得去做！” A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: Thatll be terrific! Since one stove can
26、save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed! 一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？” One evening I drove my husbands car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bi
27、t.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.My husband looked up and said, Moms here? 一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。” 我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”The New Teacher George come
28、s from school on the first of September. George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother. I didnt like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too. 新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？ 妈妈问。 妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。 Loo
29、king very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctors consulting-room.Doctor, he said, you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago.Good heavens, man! said the doctor. Why have you waited so long? Why dont you come to me on the day you swallowed it?To tell you the truth, Doctor, the poor man re
30、plied, I didnt need the money so badly then.一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。大夫！他说，帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！天哪，大夫说，早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？实话告诉您吧，大夫，穷人说，我当时还不缺钱！my little dog cant read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: Its no use, m
31、y little dog cant read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”Bring me the winner Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. Im sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 -哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。 A man goes
32、 to church and starts talking to God. He says: God, what is a million dollars to you? and God says: A penny, then the man says: God, what is a million years to you? and God says: a second, then the man says: God, can I have a penny? and God says In a second 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?上帝回答:一便士.
33、男子又问:那一百万年对你意味着多少?上帝说:一秒钟.最后男子请求道:上帝,我能得到一便士吗?上帝回答:过一秒钟. That is not my dog A woman walks into a pet shop and sees a lovely little dog. She asks the shopkeeper, Does your dog bite? The shopkeeper says, No, my dog does not bite. Then the woman bends down and tries to touch the dog. the dog bites her.
34、 Ouch! she crys, You said your dog did not bite. The shopkeeper replies, That is not my dog. 那不是我的狗 一位女士走进一家宠物店，看见一只很可爱的小狗她问店主：你的狗咬人吗? 店主说:不, 我的狗不咬人. 于是这位女士弯下腰想去摸摸这条狗. 狗咬了她. 哎哟!她叫道,你说过你的狗不咬人的. 店主回答说:那不是我的狗. How much English can you speak?Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is
35、 for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. Whats more, he only speaks a few words of English.The judge looked at the defendant and asked, How much English can you speak?The defendant looked up and said, Give me your wallet!法官先生，我的当事人
36、被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。法官看了看被告，问道：你会说多少英文？被告抬起头，说：把你的钱包给我！A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and
37、 then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.He said, What?丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。他问：什么？Boy: Is this seat empty?Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit
38、 down.男孩：这个座位是空的么？女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。Tom, whats the matter with your brother? asked the mother in the kitchen. Hes crying.Oh, nothing, Mum, replied Tom. Im eating my cake. He is crying because I wont give him any.But has he finished his own cake?Yes. said Tom. And he also cried when I was helping
39、 him finish that.汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？ 妈妈在厨房里问。他在哭。没事儿，妈妈， 汤姆答道。我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。他已经吃完自己的了么？是的。 我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。A guy says to his friend, Guess how many coins I have in my pocket.The friends says, If I guess right, will you give me one of them?The first guys says, If you guess right, Ill give you both of them!路人
40、甲对路人乙说，猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？路人乙说：我猜对了，你能给我一个不？路人甲说：你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class, said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. When I say Good afternoon, the undergraduates respond Good afternoon. But the graduate students just write it down.一个
41、教师在研究生工程学课堂上说：我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。 我说下午好的时候，本科生回答下午好，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?Tom: Every month.爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？汤姆：每个月都有啊！Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly,
42、the Sunday school teacher said, Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that. Bobby looked up and replied, Well, Ms Smith, you cant say you werent warned.史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说：博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。博比抬头看了看老
43、师，说：史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.While hes talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandma, Thanks for the peanuts.She says, Yeah, since I
44、lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off.一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:谢谢您的花生。结果祖母说:唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。The Fish Net Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann? A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl. 鱼网 你能告诉我鱼网
45、是什么做的吗，安？ 老师发问道。 把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。 小女孩回答道。 Prepare YourselfA story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop. Two days later he received a response: Pop prepared. Prepare yourself. 自己做好准备校园里流传着这样的故事
46、：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。” 两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!” A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.Bartender: Whats the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?The man: We had a fight, and she told me that she wasnt going to speak t