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1、-脆弱的力量双语版-第 11 页The power of vulnerability-Brene Brown脆弱的力量-布琳布朗So, Ill start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. And she called, and she said, Im really struggling with how to write about you on the little flier. And I thought, Well,
2、 whats the struggle? And she said, Well, I saw you speak, and Im going to call you a researcher, I think, but Im afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because theyll think youre boring and irrelevant. (Laughter) And I was like, Okay. And she said, But the thing I liked about your talk
3、 is youre a storyteller. So I think what Ill do is just call you a storyteller. And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, Youre going to call me a what? And she said, Im going to call you a storyteller. And I was like, Why not magic pixie? (Laughter) I was like, Let me think about t
4、his for a second. I tried to call deep on my courage. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. Im a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; thats what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe Im just a storyteller. And so I said, You know what? Why dont you just say Im a r
5、esearcher-storyteller. And she went, Haha. Theres no such thing. (Laughter) So Im a researcher-storyteller, and Im going to talk to you today - were talking about expanding perception - and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my per
6、ception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent. 那我就这么开始吧：几年前，一个活动策划人打电话给我，因为我当时要做一个演讲。她在电话里说：“我真很苦恼该如何在宣传单上介绍你。”我心想，怎么会苦恼呢？她继续道：“你看，我听过你的演讲，我觉得我可以称你为研究者，可我担心的是，如果我这么称呼你，没人会来听，因为大家普遍认为研究员很无趣而且脱离现实。”（笑声）我说好吧。然后她说：“但是我喜欢你的演讲，就跟讲故事一样很吸引人。我想来想去，还是觉得称你为讲故事的人比较妥当。”而那个做
7、学术的，感到不安的我脱口而出道：“你要叫我什么？”她说：“我要称你为讲故事的人。我心想：”为什么不干脆叫魔法小精灵？“（笑声）我说：”让我考虑一下。“我试着鼓起勇气。我对自己说，我是一个讲故事的人。我是一个从事定量研究的科研人员。我收集故事；这就是我的工作。或许故事就是有灵魂的数据。或许我就是一个讲故事的人。于是我说：”听着，要不你就称我为做研究兼讲故事的人。“她说：”哈哈，没这么个说法呀。“（笑声）所以我是个做研究兼讲故事的人，我今天想跟大家谈论的-我们要谈论的话题是关于拓展认知-我想给你们讲几个故事是关于我的一份研究的，这份研究从本质上拓宽了我个人的认知，也确确实实改变了我生活、爱、工作还
8、有教育孩子的方式。And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year I had a research professor who said to us, Heres the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist. And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. I was like, Really? and he was like, Absolut
9、ely. And so you have to understand that I have a bachelors in social work, a masters in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the lifes messy, love it. And Im more of the, lifes messy, clean it up, organi
10、ze it and put it into a bento box. (Laughter) And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me - really, one of the big sayings in social work is, Lean into the discomfort of the work. And Im like, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all As. That was my
11、mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things I know are important and lay the code out for
12、everyone to see. 我的故事从这里开始。当我还是个年轻的博士研究生的时候，第一年，有位研究教授对我们说：”事实是这样的，如果有一个东西你无法测量，那么它就不存在。“我心想他只是在哄哄我们这些小孩子吧。我说：“真的么？”他说：“当然。”你得知道我有一个社会工作的学士文凭，一个社会工作的硕士文凭，我在读的是一个社会工作的博士文凭，所以我整个学术生涯都被人所包围，他们大抵相信生活是一团乱麻，接受它。而我的观点则倾向于，生活是一团乱麻，解开它，把它整理好，再归类放入便当盒里。（笑声）我觉得我领悟到了关键，有能力自己去创一番事业，真的，社会工作的一个重要理念是置身于工作的不适中。我就是要把
13、这不适翻个底朝天每科都拿到A。这就是我当时的信条。我当时真的是跃跃欲试。我想这就是我要的职业生涯，因为我对乱成一团，难以处理的课题感兴趣。我想要把它们弄清楚。我想要理解它们。我想侵入那些我知道是重要的东西把它们摸透，然后用浅显易懂的方式呈献给每一个人。 So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time youre a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why were here. Its what gives purpose
14、 and meaning to our lives. This is what its all about. It doesnt matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is - neurobiologically thats how were wired - its why were here. So I th
15、ought, you know what, Im going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome, and one opportunity for growth? (Laughter) And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, ap
16、parently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, theyll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were
17、about disconnection. 所以我的起点是“关系”。因为当你从事了10年的社会工作，你必然会发现关系是我们活着的原因。它赋予了我们生命的意义。就是这么简单。无论你跟谁交流工作在社会执法领域的也好，负责精神健康、虐待和疏于看管领域的也好我们所知道的是，关系是种感应的能力-生物神经上，我们是这么被设定的-这就是为什么我们在这儿。所以我就从关系开始。下面这个场景我们再熟悉不过了，你的上司给你作工作评估，她告诉了你37点你做得相当棒的地方，还有一点-成长的空间？（笑声）然后你满脑子都想着那一点成长的空间，不是么。这也是我研究的一个方面，因为当你跟人们谈论爱情，他们告诉你的是一件让他们心碎
18、的事。当你跟人们谈论归属感，他们告诉你的是最让他们痛心的被排斥的经历。当你跟人们谈论关系，他们跟我讲的是如何被断绝关系的故事。 So very quickly - really about six weeks into this research - I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didnt understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I
19、 need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I wont be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: its universal; we all hav
20、e it. The only people who dont experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this Im not good enough, - which we all know that feeling: Im not blank enough. Im not th
21、in enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough. The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. 所以很快的-在大约开始研究这个课题6周以后-我遇到了这个前所未闻的东西它揭示了关系以一种我不理解也从没见过的方式。所以我暂停
22、了原先的研究计划，对自己说，我得弄清楚这到底是什么。它最终被鉴定为耻辱感。耻辱感很容易理解，即害怕被断绝关系。有没有一些关于我的事如果别人知道了或看到了，会认为我不值得交往。我要告诉你们的是：这种现象很普遍；我们都会有（这种想法）。没有体验过耻辱的人不具有人类的同情或关系。没人想谈论自己的糗事，你谈论的越少，你越感到可耻。滋生耻辱感的是一种“我不够好.的心态-我们都知道这是个什么滋味：”我不够什么。我不够苗条，不够有钱，不够漂亮，不够聪明，职位不够高。“而支撑这种心态的是一种刻骨铭心的脆弱，关键在于要想产生关系，我们必须让自己被看见，真真切切地被看见。 And you know how I f
23、eel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. Im going in, Im going to figure this stuff out, Im going to spend a year, Im going to totally deconstruct shame, Im going to understand how vulnerability works, and Im going to
24、 outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, its not going to turn out well. (Laughter) You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but Id have to borrow everyone elses time. But heres what I can tell you that it boils down to - and this may be one of the most impo
25、rtant things that Ive ever learned in the decade of doing this research. My one year turned into six years: thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories - thousands of pieces of data in six years. And
26、 I kind of got a handle on it. 你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。所以我思考着，这次是轮到我用我的标尺击溃它的时候了。我要闯进去，把它弄清楚，我要花一年的时间，彻底瓦解耻辱，我要搞清楚脆弱是怎么运作的，然后我要智取胜过它。所以我准备好了，非常兴奋。跟你预计的一样，事与愿违。（笑声）你知道这个（结果）。我能告诉你关于耻辱的很多东西，但那样我就得占用别人的时间了。但我在这儿可以告诉你，归根到底-这也许是我学到的最重要的东西在从事研究的数十年中。我预计的一年变成了六年，成千上万的故事，成百上千个采访，焦点集中。有时人们发给我期刊报道，发给我他们的故事-不计其数的数据，就在这
27、六年中。我大概掌握了它。 I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay - and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness - thats what this
28、comes down to, a sense of worthiness - they have a strong sense of love and belonging - and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if theyre good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who real
29、ly struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe theyre worthy of love and belonging. Thats it. They believe theyre worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that were not worthy of connection, was
30、something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those. 我大概理解了这就是耻辱，这就是它的运作方式。我写了本书，我出版了一个理论，但总觉得哪里不对劲-它其实是，如果我粗略地把我采访过的人分成具有自我价值感的人-说
31、到底就是自我价值感-他们勇于去爱并且拥有强烈的归属感-另一部分则是为之苦苦挣扎的人，总是怀疑自己是否足够好的人。区分那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人和那些为之而苦苦挣扎的人的变量只有一个。那就是，那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人相信他们值得被爱，值得享有归属感。就这么简单。他们相信自己的价值。而对于我，那个阻碍人与人之间关系的最困难的部分是我们对于自己不值得享有这种关系的恐惧，无论从个人，还是职业上我都觉得我有必要去更深入地了解它。所以接下来我找出所有的采访记录找出那些体现自我价值的，那些持有这种观念的记录，集中研究它们。 What do these people have in common
32、? I have a slight office supply addiction, but thats another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were whole-hearted. These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthin
33、ess. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. Whats the theme? Whats the pattern? My husband left town with the kids
34、because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where Im just writing and in my researcher mode. And so heres what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it
35、 first came into the English language - its from the Latin word cor, meaning heart - and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and th
36、en to others, because, as it turns out, we cant practice compassion with other people if we cant treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and - this was the hard part - as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who
37、 they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection. 这群人有什么共同之处？我对办公用品有点痴迷，但这是另一个话题了。我有一个牛皮纸文件夹，还有一个三福极好笔，我心想，我该怎么给这项研究命名呢？第一个蹦入我脑子的是全心全意这个词。这是一群全心全意，靠着一种强烈的自我价值感在生活的人们。所以我在牛皮纸夹的上端这样写道，而后我开始查看数据。事实上，我开始是用四天时间集中分析数据，我从头找出那些采访，找出其中的故事和事件。主题是什么？有什么规律？我丈夫带着孩子离开了小镇，因为我老是陷入像杰克逊.波洛克（美国近代抽象派画家）似
38、的疯狂状态，我一直在写，完全沉浸在研究的状态中。下面是我的发现。这些人的共同之处在于勇气。我想在这里先花一分钟跟大家区分一下勇气和胆量。勇气，最初的定义，当它刚出现在英文里的时候-是从拉丁文cor，意为心，演变过来的-最初的定义是真心地叙述一个故事，告诉大家你是谁的。所以这些人就具有勇气承认自己不完美。他们具有同情心，先是对自己的，再是对他人的，因为，事实是，我们如果不能善待自己，我们也无法善待他人。最后一点，他们都能和他人建立关系，-这是很难做到的-前提是他们必须坦诚，他们愿意放开自己设定的那个理想的自我以换取真正的自我，这是赢得关系的必要条件。The other thing that th
39、ey had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didnt talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating - as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just
40、 talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, I love you first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. Theyre willing to invest in a relationship that may or
41、may not work out. They thought this was fundamental. 他们还有另外一个共同之处那就是，他们全然接受脆弱。他们相信让他们变得脆弱的东西也让他们变得美丽。他们不认为脆弱是寻求舒适，也不认为脆弱是钻心的疼痛-正如我之前在关于耻辱的采访中听到的。他们只是简单地认为脆弱是必须的。他们会谈到愿意说出我爱你，愿意做些没有的事情，愿意等待医生的电话，在做完乳房X光检查之后。他们愿意为情感投资，无论有没有结果。他们觉得这些都是最根本的。 I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I ha
42、d pledged allegiance to research, where our job - you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena, for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to s
43、top controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown - (Laughter) - which actually looked more like this. (Laughter) And it did. 我当时认为那是背叛。我无法相信我尽然对科研宣誓效忠-研究的定义是控制（变量）然后预测，去研究现象，为了一个明确的目标，去控制并预测。而我现在的使命即控制并预测却给出了这样一个结果：要想与脆弱共存就得停止控制，停止预测于是我崩溃了-（笑声）-其实更像是这样。（笑声）它确实是。我称它为崩溃，我的心理医生称它为灵魂的觉醒。灵魂
44、的觉醒当然比精神崩溃要好听很多，但我跟你说那的确是精神崩溃。然后我不得不暂且把数据放一边，去求助心理医生。让我告诉你：你知道你是谁当你打电话跟你朋友说：“我觉得我需要跟人谈谈。你有什么好的建议吗？“因为我大约有五个朋友这么回答：”喔。我可不想当你的心理医生。“（笑声）我说：”这是什么意思？“他们说：”我只是想说，别带上你的标尺来见我。“我说：”行。“ I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. (Laughter) A spiritual awakening sounds better than bre
45、akdown, but I assure you it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations? Because about five of my friends were like, Wooo, I
46、 wouldnt want to be your therapist. (Laughter) I was like, What does that mean? And theyre like, Im just saying, you know. Dont bring your measuring stick. (Laughter) I was like, Okay. So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana - I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live,
47、and I sat down. And she said, How are you? And I said, Im great. Im okay. She said, Whats going on? And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good. (Laughter) And so I said, Heres the thing, Im struggling. And she said, Whats the strug
48、gle? And I said, Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that its also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help. And I said, But heres the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit. (Laughter) I just need some strategies. (Laughter) (Applause) Thank you. So she goes like this. (Laughter) And then I said, Its bad, right? And she said, Its neither good nor bad. (Laughter) It j