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1、When I was in my 20s,I sawmy very first psychotherapy client. I wasa Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. Shewas a26-year-old woman named Alex.记得见我第一位心理咨询顾客时，我才 20 多岁。 当时我是Berkeley临床心理学在读博士生。我的第一位顾客是名叫Alex 的女性， 26 岁。Now Alex walked into her first sessionwearing jeans and a big slouchyto
2、p, and shedropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off herflats and told me shewas there to talk about guy problems. Now whenI heard this, I was sorelieved. My classmategot an arsonist for herfirst client. (Laughter) And I got a twentysomething who wanted totalk about boys.This I thought I cou
3、ld handle.第一次见面Alex 穿着牛仔裤和宽松上衣走进来，她一下子栽进我办公室的沙发上，踢掉脚上的平底鞋，跟我说她想谈谈男生的问题。当时我听到这个之后松了一口气。因为我同学的第一个顾客是纵火犯，而我的顾客却是一个20 出头想谈谈男生的女孩。我觉得我可以搞定。But I didnt handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring tosession,it was easyfor me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.但是我没有搞定。Alex
4、不断地讲有趣的事情，而我只能简单地点头认同她所说的，很自然地就陷入了附和的状态。Thirtysthe new 20, Alex would say,and asfar asI could tell, shewasright. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kidshappened later, evendeath happened later. Twentysomethings like名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - -
5、- - 第 1 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - Alex and I had nothing but time.Alex 说：“ 30 岁是一个新的20 岁”。没错，我告诉她“你是对的”。工作还早， 结婚还早，生孩子还早， 甚至死亡也早着呢。像 Alex和我这样20 多岁的人， 什么都没有但时间多的是。But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her lovelife. I pushed back. I said, Sure, shes dating down, shessleeping wit
6、ha knucklehead, but its not like shesgoing to marry the guy. Andthen my supervisor said, Not yet, but shemight marry the next one.Besides,the best time to work on Alexs marriage is before shehasone.但不久之后，我的导师就要我向Alex的感情生活施压。我反驳说：“当然她现在正在和别人交往，她现在和一个傻瓜男生睡觉，但看样子她不会和他结婚的。”而我的导师说：“不着急，她也许会和下一个结婚。但修复Alex
7、婚姻的最好时期是她还没拥有婚姻的时期。”Thats what psychologists call an Aha!moment. That was themoment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes,peoplesettle down later than they used to, but that didn t make Alex s 20s a developmental downtime.这就是心理学家说的“顿悟时刻”。正是那个时候我意识到，30 岁不是一个新的20 岁。的确，和以前的人相比，现在人们更晚才安定下来，但是这不代表Alex 就能
8、长期处于20 多岁的状态。That made Alexs 20sa developmental sweetspot, and we were sittingthere blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benignneglect wasa real problem, and it had real consequences,not just for名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 2 页，共 1
9、5 页 - - - - - - - - - Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and thefutures of twentysomethings everywhere.更晚安定下来，应该使Alex的 20 多岁成为发展的黄金时段，而我们却坐在那里忽视这个发展的时机。 从那时起我意识到这种善意的忽视确实是个问题，它不仅给 Alex本身和她的感情生活带来不良后果，而且影响到处20 多岁的人的事业、家庭和未来。There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United
10、Statesright now.Were talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if youconsider that no ones getting through adulthood without goingthrough their 20sfirst.现在在美国， 20 多岁的人有五千万，也就是15% 的人口，或者可以说所有人口，因为所有成年人都要经历他们的20 多岁。Raiseyour hand if youre in your 20s.I really want to seesometwentysome
11、things here. Oh, yay! Yalls awesome.If you work withtwentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, youre losing sleepover twentysomethings, I want to see Okay. Awesome,twentysomethings really matter.如果你现在20 多岁，请举手。我很想看到有20 多岁的人在这里。哦，很好。如果你和20多岁的人一起工作，你喜欢20 多岁的人，你因为20 多岁的人辗转难眠，我想看到你们。很棒，看来 20 多岁的人确实很受
12、重视。So I specializein twentysomethings becauseI believe that every singleoneof those50 million twentysomethings deservesto know whatpsychologists, sociologists,neurologists and fertilityspecialists already名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 3 页，共 15 页 - - -
13、 - - - - - - know: that claiming your 20sis one of the simplest, yet mosttransformative, things you can do for work, for love, for yourhappiness, maybe even for the world.因此我专门研究20 多岁的人，因为我坚信这五千万的20 多岁的人，每一个人都应该去了解那些心理学家、社会学家、神经学家和生育专家已经知道的事实：你的20 多岁是极简单却极具变化的时期之一。你20 多岁的时光决定了你的事业、爱情、幸福甚至整个世界。This i
14、s not my opinion. Theseare the facts. We know that 80 percent oflifes most defining moments take place by age35. That means thateight out of 10 of the decisions and experiencesand Aha!momentsthat make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.这不是我的看法。这些是事实。我们知道80% 决定你生活的时刻发生在35 岁之前。这就意
15、味着你生活的重要决定、经历和突然的领悟，有八成是在你30 多岁之前发生的。Peoplewho are over 40, dont panic. This crowd is going to be fine, Ithink. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponentialimpact on how much money youre going to earn. We know that morethan half of Americans are married or are living with or dating
16、 theirfuture partner by 30.那些超过 40 岁的朋友不要惊慌，我想这群人会没事的。我们知道职业生涯的前10 年对你将来的收入有重大影响。我们知道到了30 岁的时候， 超过半数的美国人会结婚或者和未来的另一半同居或者约会。We know that the brain caps off its secondand last growth spurt inyour 20sasit rewires itself for adulthood, which meansthat whatever名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - -
17、 - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 4 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - it is you want to changeabout yourself, now is the time to change it.We know that personality changesmore during your 20sthan at anyother time in life, and we know that female fertilitypeaksat age28,and things get tricky after age35.我们
18、知道人在20 多岁的时候大脑停止第二次也是最后一次重组，以适应成年世界的快速发育阶段。这就意味着不管你想怎样改变自己，现在就是时间改变了。我们知道在20 多岁的时候，性格的改变多于生命中任何时期。我们也知道女性的最佳生育时期在28 岁的时候达到顶峰，35 岁之后生育变得困难。So your 20sare the time to educate yourself about your body and youroptions. Sowhen we think about child development, we all know thatthe first five years are a c
19、ritical period for language and attachment inthe brain. Its a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life hasaninordinate impact on who you will become.所以你的 20 多岁正是了解你自身和选择的时期。当我们想到孩童的成长时，我们都知道1-5岁是大脑学习语言和感知的重要时期。这个时期，日常的普通生活都会对你的未来道路影响巨大。But what we hear lessabout is that theres such a thing asadultde
20、velopment, and our 20sare that critical period of adult development.But this isnt what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talkabout the changing timetable of adulthood.但是我们却很少听到成年发展期，而我们的20 多岁正是成年发展期的关键。但是20 多岁的人却听不到这些，报纸讨论的只是成年年龄界线的变更。名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名
21、师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 5 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - Researcherscall the 20san extended adolescence.Journalists coin sillynicknames for twentysomethings like twixtersand kidults.Its true. As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the definingdecadeof adulthood.研究者称20多岁是延长的青春期。记者就引用傻傻的外号称呼20多岁
22、的人，比如“ twixters” (twenty-mixters)和“kidults” (kid-adults)。 这是真的。作为一种文化，我们的忽视的正是对成年起到决定性作用的十年（从20 岁到 30 岁） 。Leonard Bernstein said that to achievegreat things, you need a planand not quite enough time. Isnt that true? Sowhat do you thinkhappens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say,Yo
23、u have 10 extra years to start your life? Nothing happens. Youhave robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutelynothing happens.雷昂纳德伯恩斯坦说过：要想取得成就，你需要一个计划和紧迫的时间。这是大实话啊！所以当你拍着一个20 多岁的人的脑袋，跟他说，“你有额外的10 年去开始你的生活”，你觉得这改变了什么？什么都没改变。你只是夺走了那个人的紧迫感和雄心壮志，绝对没有改变什么。And then every day, smart, in
24、teresting twentysomethings like you orlike your sonsand daughters comeinto my office and say things likethis: I know my boyfriends no good for me,but this relationshipdoesnt count. Im just killing time. Or they say,Everybody saysaslong asI get started on a career by the time Im 30, Ill be fine.名师资料总
25、结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 6 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - 然后每天，那些聪明有趣的20 多岁的人就像你们和你们的儿子女儿一样，走入我的办公室开始说： “我知道我的男朋友对我不够好，但是我们的关系不算数。我只是在消磨时光而已。”或者说“每个人都告诉我只要能在30 岁的时候开始我的事业，这就足够了。”But then it starts to sound like this: My 20sare almost over, and Ihave noth
26、ing to show for myself. I had a better r sumthe day after Igraduated from college. And then it starts to sound like this: Datingin my 20swas like musical chairs. Everybody was running around andhaving fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turnedoff and everybody started sitting down
27、.但是实际听上去却是：“我马上就要三十了，却根本就没有东西展示。我只是在大学毕业时有过一份最漂亮的简历。”或是这样：“我20多岁时的约会就像找凳子。每个人都绕着凳子跑，随便玩一玩，但是快30 的时候就像音乐停止了，所有人开始坐下。I didnt want to be the only oneleft standing up, sosometimes I think Imarried my husband becausehe was the closestchair to me at 30. Where are the twentysomethings here? Do not do that.
28、 Okay, nowthat soundsa little flip, but make no mistake, the stakesare very high.我不想成为那唯一站着的人，所以有时候我会想我和我丈夫之所以会结婚，是因为在我30 岁的时候，他是当时离我最近的那张凳子。在场的20 多岁的人呐，千万不要这样做。这个做法听起来有点轻率，但是不要犯错，因为风险很高。When a lot hasbeenpushed to your 30s,there is enormousthirtysomething pressure to jump -start a career,pick a cit
29、y, partner up,and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 7 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - thesethings are incompatible, and asresearch is just starting to show,simply harder and more stressful to do
30、all at oncein our 30s.当很多事都被挤到你30 多岁的时候，就会有巨大压力，在很短的时间内快速启动一项事业，挑一个城市，找到伴侣，生两三个孩子。这些事大多是不能同时完成的，正如研究表明，在30 岁的时候要想工作生活一步到位，难度很高，压力很大。The post-millennial midlife crisis isnt buying a red sports car. Itsrealizing you cant have that career you now want. Its realizing youcant have that child you now want
31、, or you cant give your child asibling.千禧年后的中年危机并不是一辆红色跑车。而是意识到你不能拥有你想拥有的事业，意识到你不能拥有你想要的孩子，或者给你的孩子添个兄弟姐妹。Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves,and at me, sitting acrossthe room, and say about their 20s,What wasI doing? What was I thinking?I want to change whattwentysomethi
32、ngs are doing and thinking.太多 30 多岁 40 多岁的人看看他们自己，看看我，坐在屋子里谈论自己的20 多岁，“我当时都干么了？我当时都想啥了？”我想改变现在20 多岁人的所思所为。Heres a story about how that can go. Its a story about a womannamed Emma. At 25, Emma cameto my office becauseshewas, in herwords, having an identity crisis. Shesaid shethought shemight like tow
33、ork in art or entertainment, but shehadnt decided yet, soshedspent the last few years waiting tables instead.名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 8 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - 这里我想讲个故事说明问题。这个故事是关于名叫Emma一个女人。她25 岁的时候走入我的办公室，因为用她自己的话说，她有自我认识危机。她说她也许想从事关于艺术或者娱乐
34、的工作，但是她还没决定。所以取而代之的是她花了过去几年的时间当服务员。Becauseit wascheaper,shelived with a boyfriend who displayed histemper more than his ambition. And ashard asher 20swere, her earlylife had been evenharder. Sheoften cried in our sessions,but thenwould collect herself by saying, You cant pick your family, but youcan
35、 pick your friends.为了减少开销，她和她的男朋友同居，一个脾气暴躁而无志向的人。正如她悲惨的20 多岁，她早年的生活更加悲惨。她经常在谈话过程中哭泣，努力镇定下来后说“你没办法选择你的家庭，但是你可以选择你的朋友。”Well one day, Emma comesin and shehangs her head in her lap, andshesobbedfor most of the hour. Shed just bought a new address book,and shed spent the morning filling in her many conta
36、cts, but thenshed been left staring at that empty blank that comesafter the wordsIn caseof emergency, pleasecall . 有一天， Emma走进来，她双手抱头于膝盖，然后抽泣了几乎一个小时。她刚买了一个新的通讯录本子，然后花了一整个早上的时间填写她的联系人信息。当她填到“万一发生紧急情况，请联系.”的时候，她没有任何人可填。Shewas nearly hysterical when shelooked at me and said, Whosgoing to be there for m
37、e if I get in a car wreck? Whos going to takecare of me if I have cancer? Now in that moment, it took everything I名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 9 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - had not to say,I will.她几乎崩溃地看着我并说，“如果我被车撞了，谁会在那里？假如我得癌症了，谁会在那里？” 在那种情况下，我花了好大
38、力气才忍住说“我会。”But what Emma neededwasnt sometherapist who really, really cared.Emma neededa better life, and I knew this was her chance.I hadlearned too much sinceI first worked with Alex to just sit there whileEmmas defining decadewent parading by.Emma所需要的并不是理疗师所真正关心的。她需要一个更好的生活，我知道这是她的机会。自 Alex开始，我从这
39、份工作上学到了很多，不能只是坐在那里看着Emma十年黄金定型期白白消逝。So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things thatevery twentysomething, male or female, deservesto hear.所以接下去的几个星期几个月，我告诉Emma三件事，所有20 多岁的男生女生都值得听一听。First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and getsomeidentity capital. By get iden
40、tity capital, I mean do something thatadds value to who you are. Do something thats an investment in whoyou might want to be next.首先，我告诉Emma忘掉她的自我认识危机，去获得一些身份认定的资本。身份资本是指做增加自我价值的事。为自己下一步想成为的样子做一些事一些投资。I didnt know the future of Emmas career, and no oneknows thefuture of work, but I do know this: Ide
41、ntity capital begetsidentity名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 10 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - capital. So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship,that startup you want to try.我不知道Emma的工作将来是什么样的，也没人知道将来的工作是什么样的，但是我知道：身份资本会创造出更多身份资本。现在是时候
42、去尝试你想要的海外工作、实习或者新起点。Im not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I amdiscounting exploration thats not supposedto count, which, by theway, is not exploration. Thats procrastination. I told Emma to explorework and make it count.我不是轻视20 多岁的自我探索，而是轻视那些随便玩玩无所谓的探索，或者从某种意义上说那不是探索。那是拖沓！我告诉Emma去
43、探索工作，让她的探索有所回报。Second,I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.第二，我告诉Emma不要高估自己的朋友圈。Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, buttwentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limitwho they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak,andwhere they work. That
44、new pieceof capital, that new person to datealmost always comesfrom outside the inner circle.好朋友会载你去机场，而和“志同道合的朋友”瞎混的20多岁的人，他们的交际圈、知识面、思维方式、说话方式和工作层面都被限制住了。新的资本或者新的约会对方往往是从内部交际圈之外来的。New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends offriends of friends. Soyes,half of twentysomethings a
45、re名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 11 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - un-or under-employed. But half arent, and weak ties are how you getyourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted, soreachingout to your neighbors bossis how you get that un-p
46、osted job. Its notcheating. Its the scienceof how information spreads.新的事情来自我们所谓的“远的关系”，我们朋友的朋友的朋友。没错，半数20 多岁的人处在失业和半失业的状态。但是另外一半的人却不是这样的，“远的关系”正是你融入一个新的群体的纽带。有半数的新工作从来不公示出来，所以联络你邻居的老板是你找到那些未公示工作的方式。这不叫作弊，这是信息传播的科学方式。Last but not least, Emma believed that you cant pick your family, butyou can pick y
47、our friends. Now this was true for her growing up, butasa twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when shepartnered with someoneand created a family of her own.最后一点也很重要，Emma相信你无法选择你的家庭，但是你可以选择你的朋友。可这只是她成长时期的状况。作为一个 20 多岁的人， Emma 很快会与某人为伴组建她自己的新家庭。I told Emma the time to start picking your f
48、amily is now. Now you maybethinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, oreven25, and I agree with you. But grabbing whoever youre living withor sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down theaisle is not progress.我告诉 Emma现在就是你选择你家庭的时候。现在你也许会想相比于20 岁， 25 岁或 30 岁
49、时组建家庭会更好。 我同意你的看法。 但是当你 Facebook上的朋友都开始步入婚姻殿堂时，你随便抓一个人一起生活、睡觉绝对不是组建家庭的过程。名师资料总结 - - -精品资料欢迎下载 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 名师精心整理 - - - - - - - 第 12 页，共 15 页 - - - - - - - - - The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one,andthat meansbeing asintentional with love asyou are wi
50、th work. Pickingyour family is about consciously choosing who and what you wantrather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happensto be choosing you.经营你婚姻的最佳时间是你还没结婚的时候，这意味要像你为了工作一样精心谋划。选择你的家庭是有意识地去选择你想要的人和事，而不是为了结婚或者消磨时光，任意选择一个正好选择你的人。Sowhat happened to Emma? Well, we went through