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1、2022英式幽默英语笑话英式幽默英语笑话大全拍卖会上 At Auction FairAt auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document.The owner says, "Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子，家伙) shouts out:"
2、; I reward 300 dollars."拍卖会上，有人的包丢了，里面装有重要文件。物主说：;有谁拣到送还，我将拿出200美元以表答谢。;话刚出口，就听有人喊：;我出300美元。;The Doctor Knows BetterA man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill.""I
3、am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive.""Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说：;我想他伤得很厉害。;医生说：;唯恐他已经死了。;听到医生的话，这个男人转
4、动着头说：;我没死，我还活着。;妻子说：;宁静，医生比你懂得多。;I Don't Need to Steal Any MoreThe owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.;I want no scandal，; saidthe owner.;I'll just fire you.; The employee replied，;
5、True，I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts， a country mansion， jewelry，and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing， sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch?;一家大百货店的老板在查帐中发觉，他最信任的雇员从公司偷走了一百多万美元。;我不要丑闻。;老板说。;我只要开除你。;那个雇员回答说：;不错，我是偷了你公司相当一大笔钱。现在我有游艇、一
6、座乡村别墅、珠宝，以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不须要了，你为什么要再雇个人来，让他从头做起呢?;合理的悲伤On his deathbed poor Lubin lies; His spouse is in despair; With frequent sobs and mutual cries; They both express their care. ;A different cause，;says Parson Sly， ;The same effect may give： Poor Lubin fears that he may die ; His wife，that he m
7、ay live;.马修·普赖厄 可怜的鲁宾躺在他的病床里; 他的妻子陷入无望; 频频抽泣，相对哭啼， 他们都表达着悲伤。 ;不同缘由，;滑头牧师说， ;可产生同样结果： 可怜的鲁宾怕他会死; 他老婆，怕他会活。;Compare other things?比一下其他?Compare other things?比一下其他?Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other th
8、ings?Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.儿子：妈妈，John有双乔丹签名的球鞋。妈妈：你只关切这个吗?不会比一下其它东西?儿子：有啊，他妈妈比你美丽。What are the Two Words?A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use tw
9、o words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?一个特别亲善的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我敬爱的，老夫人说，我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应恒久不要用两个词，一个是;厌烦的;，另一个是;极好的;。你能答应我吗?噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词?奇猜异想Our physics professor was struggling t
10、o draw the class into discussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" Th
11、e instructor asked if anyone knew what that meant.One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"我们的物理教授想方设法引导我们探讨阿基米德的排水原理。他告知我们阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他进入池子，发觉水涨高了，溢出池沿。他对这一发觉非常激烈，跑到街上高叫：;Eureka，Eureka!;教授问我们谁知道他喊的是什么意思。一个学生站起来答道：;我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦!;离婚A husband and wife,both 91,stood b
12、efore a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁，他们站在法官面前，要求离婚。;我不明白，;法官说，;你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?;丈夫说明道：;嗯，你是知道的，
13、我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。;A Man Who Said No 说不的男子A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slu
14、rred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"At last
15、, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"我的一位挚友看到一个男子在时代广场的地铁车站摇摇摆晃地走。那个人穿着时髦，敞着怀，一个手提箱在他的手里悬吊着，很明显他是多喝了一杯。我挚友问他怎么样，那男子模糊而确定地回答说没问题。然而我挚友就是不能眼看着有人在纽约地铁独入是非之地而置之不顾。他跟在那家伙的后面，又一次问道：;你确定你没事?你在找哪个地铁站?你须要帮忙回家吗?;他所留意的对象最终忍耐不住了，对他低声咆哮道：;你
16、给我走开!我是便衣警察!;博士与小厮A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their plac
17、e， threw his parcelon the desk and said，; my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.; Swift turned round and said，;My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.; The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and
18、waited. The boy said;Come in.; The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，;If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.; The boy answered，;Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks f
19、or their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.; The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.在斯威夫特博士家旁边，有一位富有的老妇人，她时常打发仆人给他送礼物。斯威夫特博士接受她的礼物，但从不给小厮任何答谢。一天，斯威夫特博士正忙着写东西，小厮冲进了他的房间，把书一扒拉，将一个包袱扔在书桌上，说道：;我的女主子送给你两只兔子。; 斯威夫特转过身来说：;孩子，包袱可不是这样送法呀。现在，你坐在我的椅子上，看看我是怎
20、么送的，并要记取这个教训。; 小厮坐了下来，斯威夫特走出去，敲了敲门，等待回音。小厮说;进来;。博士进了门，走到桌旁说道：;先生，我的女主子向您致以亲切的问候，并希望您收下这些兔子，这是她儿子今日早晨在地里打的。; 小厮回答说：;感谢你，我的孩子。向你的女主子和她的儿子致谢，感谢他们的关切。这两个先令是送给你本人的。; 博士笑了，打那以后，斯威夫特从没遗忘送小费给小厮。医生住在楼下"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wron
21、g with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I&
22、#39;m an artist-the doctor lives downstairs."我想让你坦率地说我究竟得了什么病。;他从头到脚端详端详她，然后大声说：;太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重须要削减大约50磅;其次，假如您要用上非常之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会变更。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。;三人同舟Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fis
23、h. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two."Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends."In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd bett
24、er get them out of here!""Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸，另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵，放线，并卷线把鱼抓上来。一位过路警察驻足视察了这个景象，他问中间的那个男子是否相识其他两位。;喔，相识，;他说，;他们是我的挚友。;那样的话，;警察告诫说，;你最好把他们从这里弄走。;好的，警官。;那男子回答说，接着就起先疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。As If Awakening From A DreamA
25、competition which subject is on giving up drinking is proceeding. One of lecturers says excitedly, " Alcohol can break down conjugal(婚姻的) relation, even cause your wife to leave you… "A man shouts out at the news, "Give me another bottle of Brandy."以戒酒为主题的演讲竞赛正在进行，一个演讲者动情地
26、说：;酒精可以破坏夫妻关系，甚至导致妻子离开自己的丈夫……这时一个男人大声喊：;再来一瓶白兰地!;The ability of the Kangaroo 袋鼠的实力The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but t
27、he kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?""I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if t
28、hey keep leaving the gate unlocked.动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特别的八英尺高的围墙。但是其次天早上，人们发觉这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火，又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠：;你认为他们会把围墙建到多高?; ;我不知道，;袋鼠说，;假如他们接着开着大门，可能要修到一千英尺吧。;什么叫叛徒?Young hopeful：;Father，what is a traitor in politics?; Father(a veteran politician)：;A trai
29、tor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.; Young hopeful：;Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?; Father：;A convert，my son.;有希望的青年人：;父亲，什么叫政治叛徒?; 父亲(一位老资格的政治家)：;叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。; 有希望的青年人：;那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢?; 父亲：;叫变更信仰者。我的儿子。;马克·
30、吐温On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard.But there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen.Theplacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain，we believ
31、e，never heard the last of it.有一次，马克·吐温从纽约起程抵达伦敦访问，星报认为这个消息值得登在它的晚招贴上。但是，还有一条消息也要登上：关于爱斯科杯被盗的消息。招贴是这样写的： 马克·吐温 光临 爱斯科杯 被盗 我们信任，马克·吐温从来也没听说过这件事。怕老婆的丈夫The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives.He had all th
32、e males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely. Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. ;I
33、t's good to see，;said the king，;that we have one real man in the kingdom.Tell these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.; ;Your Majesty，;came the reply in a squealing voice，;it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.;古代有
34、一个国王，他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传闻的那样，受到老婆的管制。他把王国里全部的男人都召到跟前，警告说，哪个男人胆敢不说实话，就会受到严厉的惩处。然后，他叫全部听从妻子的吩咐和看法的男人都走向大厅的左侧。全部的男人都站到了左侧，只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。国王说：;看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉，真是令人兴奋。告知这些胆小的笨蛋，为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。; ;陛下，;那人尖声地回答：;因为在我出门之前，我老婆告知我不要扎堆。;睡前祷告词Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," sh
35、e said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。;祷告上帝，;她说，;让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。;妈妈打断她说：;朱莉叶，你为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢?;朱莉叶回答说：;因为我在地理考卷上是这么写的。;本文来源：网络收集与整理，如有侵权，请联系作者删除，谢谢！第17页 共17页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页第 17 页 共 17 页