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1、Selective collection of humorous storiesJerry burns, Chibi No I Middle SchoolJuly 2014 1. On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to buy a cheap, disposable(一次性的一次性的) model. Sal asked the owner, Do you have
2、any of those throwaway(=disposable) cameras? “Look, fella(=fellow), replied the owner, I dont care how you deal with it after you buy it. 2. Selling secondhand books at our church shops, I got into an argument with a possible customer. He was interested in buying “The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash”, but
3、 said it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each. I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet(诗人诗人), and it was for a good reason. He said it was a matter of principle(原则原则). Finally, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Ex
4、cited, he paid with a $10 bill. Keep the change, he said. 3. Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest. The first man, an engineer, called to his dog, T Square, show your thing. The dog walked over to a desk, pulled out a paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle(三角形三角形). The nex
5、t guy, an accountant(会计会计), called to his dog, Slide Rule, go ahead. The dog went to the kitchen, bit opened a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles. The next man, a chemist, asked his dog, Beaker, to show what he could do. The dog went to the fridge, took out a quart(夸脱夸脱) o
6、f milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces(盎司盎司) into a measuring cup. The last man was a government worker. “Coffee Break,” he called his dog, “go to it.” With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled(弄脏弄脏) the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk. 4. Three famous surgeons were bragging(吹嘘吹嘘)
7、 about their skills. A man came to me who had his hand cut off, said one. Today that man is a concert violinist. Thats nothing, said another. A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon(马拉松马拉松) runner. I can top both of you, said the third. On
8、e day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horses posterior(屁股屁股) and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate(参议院参议院). 5. It was at a five oclock tea. A young man came to the hostess to apologize for his lateness. “So good of you to com
9、e, Mr. Jones, and where is your brother?” “You see were very busy in the office and only one of us could come, so we tossed(掷钱掷钱币决定币决定) up for it.” “How nice! And so original, too! And you won?” “No,” said the young man absently(心不在焉心不在焉地地), “I lost.” 6. A wealthy woman is so proud of a valuable ant
10、ique vase(花瓶花瓶) that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the woman. Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and
11、 the painter becomes famous. Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son. Dad, says the son, theres something Ive got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly? Son, the father replies, I painted the vase. 7. Seriously ill, a man went to the doctor with h
12、is wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway. Your husband is very sick, the doctor said, but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment, an
13、d dont complain about anything. Finally, make passionate love to him every day. On the drive home the husband asked, What did the doctor say? Im sorry, she said, but youre not going to make it. 8. A friend of mine had been wanting new kitchen cabinets(储藏柜储藏柜) for a long time, but her husband insiste
14、d they were an extravagance(奢侈奢侈). She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been equipped. A few days later a neighbor came over to visit my friend. After admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, All of us were
15、 so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was limited to the kitchen.9. The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated(喝醉酒的喝醉酒的) customer
16、 came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter(柜台柜台) and replied, Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly. 10. Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed(开处方开处方) some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday
17、night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, walked in and said to his boss: I didnt have a bit of trouble getting up this morning. Thats fine, roared (吼吼) the boss, but where were you Monday and Tuesday? 11. A dog owner claime
18、d that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a paper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog ran off, but an hour later he had still not returned with the paper. How much did you give him? asked the owner. Five dollars. Well, that explain
19、s it. When you give him five dollars, he goes to a movie. 12. Professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students ha
20、d attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying A dollar per point. The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change. 13. A novice(新手新手) lion tamer was being interviewed. I understand your father was also a lion tamer, the reporter queried.
21、Yes, he was, the man replied. Do you actually put your head in the lions mouth? I did it only once, said the new tamer, to look for Dad.14. To prevent our dog, Lacy, from frightening visitors to our house, my mother often massaged(按摩按摩) her as she rested beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resti
22、ng spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about a home-improvement project. As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly massaged Lacy with her feet. My mother had been talking for about a half-hour when to her great embarrassment she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.