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1、TED英语演讲：幸福的人为什么会出轨TED英语演讲：幸福的人为什么会出轨幸福的人为什么会出轨?人们讲起不忠，真正是指什么?为什么人们会以为男人出轨都是出于厌倦和对严密关系的恐惧，而女人出轨则是出于寂寞和对亲密关系的渴求呢?对于出轨人的建议是什么?下面是我为大家采集关于TED英语演讲：幸福的人为什么会出轨，欢迎借鉴参考。幸福的人为什么会出轨Whydowecheat?Andwhydohappypeoplecheat?Andwhenwesayinfidelity,whatexactlydowemean?Isitahookup,alovestory,paidsex,achatroom,amassage
2、withahappyending?Whydowethinkthatmencheatoutofboredomandfearofintimacy,butwomencheatoutoflonelinessandhungerforintimacy?Andisanaffairalwaystheendofarelationship?我们为何出轨?为何幸福之人也会出轨?我们所谓的不忠到底指的是什么?是一夜情?爱情故事?有偿性服务?私聊?还是特殊推拿服务?为什么我们以为男人出轨是由于寻求刺激或是害怕亲密关系，而女人出轨是由于孤单或是渴求亲密关系?婚外情是不是意味着婚姻已走到尽头?Forthepast10yea
3、rs,Ihavetraveledtheglobeandworkedextensivelywithhundredsofcoupleswhohavebeenshatteredbyinfidelity.Thereisonesimpleactoftransgressionthatcanrobacoupleoftheirrelationship,theirhappinessandtheirveryidentity:anaffair.Andyet,thisextremelycommonactissopoorlyunderstood.Sothistalkisforanyonewhohaseverloved.
4、在过去十年间，我走遍世界走访了数百对夫妻，他们都因出轨而心力交瘁。婚外情毫无疑问是一种越轨行为，它离间夫妻关系，毁坏家庭幸福，衍生信任危机。然而，我们对这一普遍现象的理解却极其有限。因而我将这次演讲献给所有经历过爱情的人。Adulteryhasexistedsincemarriagewasinvented,andso,too,thetabooagainstit.Infact,infidelityhasatenacitythatmarriagecanonlyenvy,somuchso,thatthisistheonlycommandmentthatisrepeatedtwiceintheBibl
5、e:oncefordoingit,andoncejustforthinkingaboutit.(Laughter)Sohowdowereconcilewhatisuniversallyforbidden,yetuniversallypracticed?婚外情自婚姻诞生之日起就存在了，我们对婚外情的反对亦是如此。实际上，婚外情比婚姻顽强多了，婚姻只要嫉妒的份儿，以致于它成为了s经的戒律，并且重复出现两次：一次是不准做，另一次是连想都不准想。(笑声)那我们究竟怎样处理出轨，这一屡禁不止的现象呢?Now,throughouthistory,menpracticallyhadalicensetoche
6、atwithlittleconsequence,andsupportedbyahostofbiologicalandevolutionarytheoriesthatjustifiedtheirneedtoroam,sothedoublestandardisasoldasadulteryitself.Butwhoknowswhatsreallygoingonunderthesheetsthere,right?Becausewhenitcomestosex,thepressureformenistoboastandtoexaggerate,butthepressureforwomenistohid
7、e,minimizeanddeny,whichisntsurprisingwhenyouconsiderthattherearestillninecountrieswherewomencanbekilledforstraying.自古以来，男人出轨是被允许的，几乎不用承当什么后果，甚至还有生物理论和进化理论来为他们撑腰，这一双重标准自婚外情诞生之日起就存在了。但在床上到底发生了什么，其实谁也不清楚，对吧?由于一谈到性，男人能够夸夸奇谈，自吹自擂，而女人却要遮遮掩掩。难以置信的是，如今仍有9个国家的女性会因出轨而被处死。Now,monogamyusedtobeonepersonforlife.T
8、oday,monogamyisonepersonatatime.(Laughter)(Applause)Imean,manyofyouprobablyhavesaid,Iammonogamousinallmyrelationships.(Laughter)Weusedtomarry,andhadsexforthefirsttime.Butnowwemarry,andwestophavingsexwithothers.Thefactisthatmonogamyhadnothingtodowithlove.Menreliedonwomensfidelityinordertoknowwhosechi
9、ldrentheseare,andwhogetsthecowswhenIdie.一夫一妻制，曾经指的是一辈子一个，而如今指的是每次一个。(笑声)(掌声)我想，在座有很多人可能讲过，我在每段关系里都遵守一夫一妻制。(笑声)过去我们先结婚，再初尝禁果。而如今，我们先结婚，然后停止与别人发生关系。实际上一夫一妻制已经与爱情无关。男人根据女人能否忠实，来判定孩子是不是本人的，进而决定遗产归谁。Now,everyonewantstoknowwhatpercentageofpeoplecheat.IvebeenaskedthatquestionsinceIarrivedatthisconference.(
10、Laughter)Itappliestoyou.Butthedefinitionofinfidelitykeepsonexpanding:sexting,watchingporn,stayingsecretlyactiveondatingapps.Sobecausethereisnouniversallyagreed-upondefinitionofwhatevenconstitutesaninfidelity,estimatesvarywidely,from26percentto75percent.Butontopofit,wearewalkingcontradictions.So95per
11、centofuswillsaythatitisterriblywrongforourpartnertolieabouthavinganaffair,butjustaboutthesameamountofuswillsaythatthatsexactlywhatwewoulddoifwewerehavingone.(Laughter)大家都想知道，出轨的人到底占多少百分比。从我到达现场，就不停有人问这个问题。(笑声)这跟你们也有关系。由于出轨的含义在不断扩大：发色情短信，看黄片，在约会软件上玩暗昧。正由于缺乏一个统一的定义，到底什么才算出轨，因而这个百分比范围很广，从26%到75%。但与此相矛盾
12、的是，有95%的人以为，另一半试图掩盖出轨的事实是不可宽恕的，但差不多同样多的人也会讲：假如我出轨的话肯定也不会声张。(笑声)Now,Ilikethisdefinitionofanaffair-itbringstogetherthethreekeyelements:asecretiverelationship,whichisthecorestructureofanaffair;anemotionalconnectiontoonedegreeoranother;andasexualalchemy.Andalchemyisthekeywordhere,becausetheeroticfrisson
13、issuchthatthekissthatyouonlyimaginegiving,canbeaspowerfulandasenchantingashoursofactuallovemaking.AsMarcelProustsaid,itsourimaginationthatisresponsibleforlove,nottheotherperson.我倾向于这样来定义婚外情，它包含三个要素：首先是遮遮掩掩的关系，这是婚外情的核心;二是拥有某种程度上的感情联络;三是性幻想。性吸引是这里的关键词，对于性高潮而言，即使是想象出来的亲吻，也和数小时的翻云覆雨，拥有同样的魔力。如马塞尔?普鲁斯特所言，
14、我们的爱源自想象，而非源自对方。Soitsneverbeeneasiertocheat,anditsneverbeenmoredifficulttokeepasecret.Andneverhasinfidelityexactedsuchapsychologicaltoll.Whenmarriagewasaneconomicenterprise,infidelitythreatenedoureconomicsecurity.Butnowthatmarriageisaromanticarrangement,infidelitythreatensouremotionalsecurity.Ironic
15、ally,weusedtoturntoadultery-thatwasthespacewherewesoughtpurelove.Butnowthatweseekloveinmarriage,adulterydestroysit.因而出轨是很容易的，但保守出轨的机密却难上加难。由于(出轨者)要承受宏大的心理压力。假如婚姻是一家企业，那婚外情威胁它的经济安全。假如婚姻是一种浪漫协议，那婚外情威胁我们的情感安全。挖苦的是，我们曾经对婚外情充满幻想，以为它是孕育真爱之地。而如今我们从婚姻中寻找爱情，而婚外情则将其摧毁。Now,therearethreewaysthatIthinkinfidelity
16、hurtsdifferentlytoday.Wehavearomanticidealinwhichweturntoonepersontofulfillanendlesslistofneeds:tobemygreatestlover,mybestfriend,thebestparent,mytrustedconfidant,myemotionalcompanion,myintellectualequal.AndIamit:Imchosen,Imunique,Imindispensable,Imirreplaceable,Imtheone.AndinfidelitytellsmeImnot.Iti
17、stheultimatebetrayal.Infidelityshattersthegrandambitionoflove.Butifthroughouthistory,infidelityhasalwaysbeenpainful,todayitisoftentraumatic,becauseitthreatensoursenseofself.我以为，如今的婚外情有三大罪状。我们浪漫地以为，会有那么一个人，能知足我们所有的需求：是我最棒的情人，最好的朋友，最好的父母，最信任的知己，是情感伴侣，又志趣相投。而我本人则符合上述所有条件：我万里挑一，我唯一无二，我不可或缺，我无法取代，我就是真命天子
18、(女)。但婚外情告诉我，并不是那么回事。这是一种终极背叛。出轨粉碎了我们对爱情的憧憬。假如回首历史，婚外情从来都是充满痛苦的，而在今天更是有过之而不及，由于它威胁了我们的自己意识。SomypatientFernando,hesplagued.Hegoeson:IthoughtIknewmylife.IthoughtIknewwhoyouwere,whowewereasacouple,whoIwas.Now,Iquestioneverything.Infidelity-aviolationoftrust,acrisisofidentity.CanIevertrustyouagain?heasks
19、.CanIevertrustanyoneagain?我的一个病人费尔南多，就深受其害。他讲：我曾以为我了解本人的生活，我曾以为我了解你，了解我们的婚姻，了解我本人。但如今，我对这一切都产生了怀疑。婚外情是对信任的践踏，对自己认同的摧毁。我还能再相信你吗?他问。我还能相信任何人吗?AndthisisalsowhatmypatientHeatheristellingme,whenshestalkingtomeaboutherstorywithNick.Married,twokids.Nickjustleftonabusinesstrip,andHeatherisplayingonhisiPadwi
20、ththeboys,whensheseesamessageappearonthescreen:Cantwaittoseeyou.Strange,shethinks,wejustsaweachother.Andthenanothermessage:Cantwaittoholdyouinmyarms.AndHeatherrealizesthesearenotforher.Shealsotellsmethatherfatherhadaffairs,buthermother,shefoundonelittlereceiptinthepocket,andalittlebitoflipstickonthe
21、collar.Heather,shegoesdigging,andshefindshundredsofmessages,andphotosexchangedanddesiresexpressed.ThevividdetailsofNickstwo-yearaffairunfoldinfrontofherinrealtime,Anditmademethink:Affairsinthedigitalagearedeathbyathousandcuts.我的另一个病人希瑟也有这种想法，她跟我讲了她和尼克的故事。他们结婚了，有两个孩子。尼克出差刚走，希瑟和孩子一起在玩尼克的iPad，然后屏幕上出现了一
22、条信息：我等不及想见你。真奇怪，希瑟想，我们不是刚见过吗?然后又来了一条：真想马上拥抱你。这时希瑟意识到，这些信息不是发给本人的。希瑟讲他父亲也有婚外情，但她母亲只是在口袋里发现了一张收据，在领子上发现了一点口红印。希瑟继续翻看着，发现了上百条信息，里面有互换的照片，以及各种互诉衷肠。尼克出轨两年确实凿证据在她面前赤裸裸地呈现出来。我不禁在想：数字时代的出轨真是能让人感到被千刀万剐，生不如死。Butthenwehaveanotherparadoxthatweredealingwiththesedays.Becauseofthisromanticideal,wearerelyingonourpa
23、rtnersfidelitywithauniquefervor.Butwealsohaveneverbeenmoreinclinedtostray,andnotbecausewehavenewdesirestoday,butbecauseweliveinanerawherewefeelthatweareentitledtopursueourdesires,becausethisistheculturewhereIdeservetobehappy.Andifweusedtodivorcebecausewewereunhappy,todaywedivorcebecausewecouldbehapp
24、ier.Andifdivorcecarriedalltheshame,today,choosingtostaywhenyoucanleaveisthenewshame.SoHeather,shecanttalktoherfriendsbecauseshesafraidthattheywilljudgeherforstilllovingNick,andeverywheresheturns,shegetsthesameadvice:Leavehim.Throwthedogonthecurb.Andifthesituationwerereversed,Nickwouldbeinthesamesitu
25、ation.Stayingisthenewshame.但是我们又发现了另外一个矛盾。由于前面讲到的浪漫遐想，我们极度依靠本人伴侣的忠实。但同时，我们比以前也更容易出轨，并不是由于我们有了新的欲望，而是我们如今所处的时代，让我们觉得有权利去追求本人的欲望，这就是我们的文化特点：我有权快乐。假如过去离婚是由于我们不快乐，那如今离婚是由于我们能够更快乐。假如在过去，离婚是不光彩的，那今天，能离婚而不离婚，才是不光彩。所以希瑟，不敢告诉本人的朋友，她害怕朋友们责怪她还爱着尼克，无论她找谁倾诉，大家都劝她：离开他吧，大家各走各路。假如出轨的是希瑟，相信尼克的处境也会一样。维持婚姻成了不光彩的事。Soif
26、wecandivorce,whydowestillhaveaffairs?Now,thetypicalassumptionisthatifsomeonecheats,eithertheressomethingwronginyourrelationshiporwrongwithyou.Butmillionsofpeoplecantallbepathological.Thelogicgoeslikethis:Ifyouhaveeverythingyouneedathome,thenthereisnoneedtogolookingelsewhere,assumingthatthereissuchat
27、hingasaperfectmarriagethatwillinoculateusagainstwanderlust.Butwhatifpassionhasafiniteshelflife?Whatiftherearethingsthatevenagoodrelationshipcanneverprovide?Ifevenhappypeoplecheat,whatisitabout?那假如我们能离婚，那为什么还要出轨呢?一种典型的观点是，假如你出轨，要么是婚姻出了缺点，要么是你本人出了缺点。但是不可能成千上万的人全都有缺点吧。这一观点的逻辑是这样的：假如你的家庭完美无缺，那就没必要出轨了，假设
28、完美婚姻确实存在，能治好我们爱出轨的缺点。但假如激情无法持久呢?假如有些东西，即便在完美的婚姻中，也无法找到呢?假如幸福的人也出轨呢?这又是怎么回事?ThevastmajorityofpeoplethatIactuallyworkwitharenotatallchronicphilanderers.Theyareoftenpeoplewhoaredeeplymonogamousintheirbeliefs,andatleastfortheirpartner.Buttheyfindthemselvesinaconflictbetweentheirvaluesandtheirbehavior.Th
29、eyoftenarepeoplewhohaveactuallybeenfaithfulfordecades,butonedaytheycrossalinethattheyneverthoughttheywouldcross,andattheriskoflosingeverything.Butforaglimmerofwhat?Affairsareanactofbetrayal,andtheyarealsoanexpressionoflongingandloss.Attheheartofanaffair,youwilloftenfindalongingandayearningforanemoti
30、onalconnection,fornovelty,forfreedom,forautonomy,forsexualintensity,awishtorecapturelostpartsofourselvesoranattempttobringbackvitalityinthefaceoflossandtragedy.我接触和研究过的绝大多数人，并不全都是积习难改的好色之徒。从观念上，他们通常赞同一夫一妻制，至少对本人的另一半是如此。但他们往往处于一种矛盾之中，就是观念和做法不一样。他们通常忠实了几十年，但忽然有天就跨过了红线，冒着失去一切的风险，这在之前他们连想都不敢想。但换来的是什么呢?婚
31、外情是一种背叛行为，同时也是对于渴望和失去的一种表达。透过出轨的表象，我们经常能看到一种寻求情感联络的渴望，追求新奇、自由、自立和性快感，渴望找回失去的自己，或者是试图走出失意和悲戚。Imthinkingaboutanotherpatientofmine,Priya,whoisblissfullymarried,lovesherhusband,andwouldneverwanttohurttheman.Butshealsotellsmethatshesalwaysdonewhatwasexpectedofher:goodgirl,goodwife,goodmother,takingcareof
32、herimmigrantparents.Priya,shefellforthearboristwhoremovedthetreefromheryardafterHurricaneSandy.Andwithhistruckandhistattoos,hesquitetheoppositeofher.Butat47,Priyasaffairisabouttheadolescencethatsheneverhad.Andherstoryhighlightsformethatwhenweseekthegazeofanother,itisntalwaysourpartnerthatweareturnin
33、gawayfrom,butthepersonthatwehaveourselvesbecome.Anditisntsomuchthatwerelookingforanotherperson,asmuchaswearelookingforanotherself.我想起了我的另一个病人，普莉娅，她婚姻美满，深爱着本人的丈夫，从未想过要伤害他。但她跟我讲，她总是在扮演别人期望的那个角色：好女孩，好妻子，好母亲，照顾本人移民过来的父母。但在桑迪飓风来袭之后，普莉娅爱上了那个帮她清理院子中残破树木的工人。他开着卡车，纹着纹身，跟她完全是两个世界的人。尽管出轨时已经47岁，但普莉娅找回了从未有过的青春。她
34、的故事告诉我，当我们寻找情人的时候，并不一定是想逃离如今的伴侣，而是想逃离那个曾经的本人。与其讲我们在寻找那么一个人，不如讲我们在寻找另一个本人。Now,allovertheworld,thereisonewordthatpeoplewhohaveaffairsalwaystellme.Theyfeelalive.Andtheyoftenwilltellmestoriesofrecentlosses-ofaparentwhodied,andafriendthatwenttoosoon,andbadnewsatthedoctor.Deathandmortalityoftenliveinthesh
35、adowofanaffair,becausetheyraisethesequestions.Isthisit?Istheremore?AmIgoingonforanother25yearslikethis?WillIeverfeelthatthingagain?Andithasledmetothinkthatperhapsthesequestionsaretheonesthatpropelpeopletocrosstheline,andthatsomeaffairsareanattempttobeatbackdeadness,inanantidotetodeath.我走遍世界，碰到很多有婚外情
36、的人，他们总是跟我讲一个词，他们觉得本人活着。紧接着他们会告诉我，本人近期失去了什么人。比方父母逝世，朋友出了意外，谁查出来得了绝症。婚外情经常同死亡和人生苦短联络在一起，由于他们经常会问，就这样了吗?会不会还有其别人出现?我是不是还要这么过25年?我还能不能感遭到爱?这不禁让我考虑，也许正是这些问题，推动他们跨过了红线，有些人想通过婚外情来重拾自信心，对抗情感的死亡。Andcontrarytowhatyoumaythink,affairsarewaylessaboutsex,andalotmoreaboutdesire:desireforattention,desiretofeelspeci
37、al,desiretofeelimportant.Andtheverystructureofanaffair,thefactthatyoucanneverhaveyourlover,keepsyouwanting.Thatinitselfisadesiremachine,becausetheincompleteness,theambiguity,keepsyouwantingthatwhichyoucanthave.可能与你们想的恰恰相反，婚外情跟性的关系更小，却与渴望密切相关：渴望被关注，渴望重拾自信心，渴望被人需要。婚外情的显著特点，就是你无法完全拥有你的情人，这让你欲罢不能。就像有一台欲
38、望机器在不断驱动你，种种不完好，种种暗昧不清，让你对得不到的东西念念不忘。Nowsomeofyouprobablythinkthataffairsdonthappeninopenrelationships,buttheydo.Firstofall,theconversationaboutmonogamyisnotthesameastheconversationaboutinfidelity.Butthefactisthatitseemsthatevenwhenwehavethefreedomtohaveothersexualpartners,westillseemtobeluredbythep
39、oweroftheforbidden,thatifwedothatwhichwearenotsupposedtodo,thenwefeellikewearereallydoingwhatwewantto.AndIvealsotoldquiteafewofmypatientsthatiftheycouldbringintotheirrelationshipsonetenthoftheboldness,theimaginationandthevervethattheyputintotheiraffairs,theyprobablywouldneverneedtoseeme.(Laughter)你们
40、中一些人可能会想，是不是在开放的关系中婚外情就不会发生了，并不是这样。首先，关于一夫一妻制的讨论，与关于不忠的讨论并不一样。但事实是，即便我们能够随心所欲地拥有其他性伴侣，我们还是无法抗拒偷尝禁果的诱惑，假如我们做了被禁止的事，反倒会觉得本人在做真正想做的事。我告诉过我的很多病人，假如他们能将本人投入婚外情的勇气、想象力和热情，拿出特别之一给本人的婚姻，也许他们就不用来找我了。(笑声)Sohowdowehealfromanaffair?Desirerunsdeep.Betrayalrunsdeep.Butitcanbehealed.Andsomeaffairsaredeathknellsfor
41、relationshipsthatwerealreadydyingonthevine.Butotherswilljoltusintonewpossibilities.Thefactis,themajorityofcoupleswhohaveexperiencedaffairsstaytogether.Butsomeofthemwillmerelysurvive,andotherswillactuallybeabletoturnacrisisintoanopportunity.Theyllbeabletoturnthisintoagenerativeexperience.AndImactuall
42、ythinkingevenmoresoforthedeceivedpartner,whowilloftensay,YouthinkIdidntwantmore?ButImnottheonewhodidit.Butnowthattheaffairisexposed,they,too,gettoclaimmore,andtheynolongerhavetoupholdthestatusquothatmaynothavebeenworkingforthemthatwell,either.那么我们该怎样治疗因婚外情所受的创伤?欲望根深蒂固，背叛刻骨铭心。但伤痛是能够治愈的。有些婚外情只不过是压死婚姻的
43、最后一根稻草。而另一些却让婚姻有了新的可能。实际上，大部分经历了婚外情的夫妻最后仍然在一起。只不过有的人精疲力尽，有的人则将危机转化为机遇。他们擅长将其转化为一场经历。实际上我甚至以为被欺骗的一方更是如此，他们经常讲，你以为我就不想得到更多吗?但我并没有踏出这一步。一旦婚外情暴露，他们也会提出更多要求，不再继续委曲求全，由于委曲求全的结果并不理想。Ivenoticedthatalotofcouples,intheimmediateaftermathofanaffair,becauseofthisnewdisorderthatmayactuallyleadtoaneworder,willhave
44、depthsofconversationswithhonestyandopennessthattheyhaventhadindecades.And,partnerswhoweresexuallyindifferentfindthemselvessuddenlysolustfullyvoracious,theydontknowwhereitscomingfrom.Somethingaboutthefearoflosswillrekindledesire,andmakewayforanentirelynewkindoftruth.我注意到，很多夫妻在婚外情曝光之后，由于局面混乱，可能会产生新的家庭
45、秩序，他们往往会进行开诚布公的深化沟通，这种沟通可能几十年都未曾有过。之前毫无性致的夫妻，可能忽然变得性致勃勃，而他们完全搞不懂这是为什么。对于失去的恐惧可能会重燃激情，引导你通往全新的真实之路。Sowhenanaffairisexposed,whataresomeofthespecificthingsthatcouplescando?Weknowfromtraumathathealingbeginswhentheperpetratoracknowledgestheirwrongdoing.Soforthepartnerwhohadtheaffair,forNick,onethingistoe
46、ndtheaffair,buttheotheristheessential,importantactofexpressingguiltandremorseforhurtinghiswife.ButthetruthisthatIhavenoticedthatquitealotofpeoplewhohaveaffairsmayfeelterriblyguiltyforhurtingtheirpartner,buttheydontfeelguiltyfortheexperienceoftheaffairitself.Andthatdistinctionisimportant.AndNick,hene
47、edstoholdvigilfortherelationship.Heneedstobecome,forawhile,theprotectoroftheboundaries.Itshisresponsibilitytobringitup,becauseifhethinksaboutit,hecanrelieveHeatherfromtheobsession,andfromhavingtomakesurethattheaffairisntforgotten,andthatinitselfbeginstorestoretrust.那么当婚外情曝光之后，作为夫妻的当事人详细应该怎么办呢?我们知道要想
48、治疗创伤，犯错者首先应该成认错误。对于出轨的那一方，比方讲尼克，首先应该停止婚外情，但更重要的是要向妻子表达本人对伤害她的愧疚和歉意。然而事实上，我注意到，很多出轨的人，也许对于伤害他们的另一半怀有愧疚，但对于出轨行为本身毫无悔意。这一差异非常重要。对尼克来讲，他需要维持这段婚姻。至少在一段时间内，他要成为婚姻的保卫者。这是尼克的责任，由于他明白只要这样，他才能帮希瑟走出阴影，让希瑟不必再拿出轨讲事儿，这样信任才能渐渐恢复。ButforHeather,ordeceivedpartners,itisessentialtodothingsthatbringbackasenseofself-wort
49、h,tosurroundoneselfwithloveandwithfriendsandactivitiesthatgivebackjoyandmeaningandidentity.Butevenmoreimportant,istocurbthecuriositytomineforthesordiddetails-Wherewereyou?Wheredidyoudoit?Howoften?Isshebetterthanmeinbed?-questionsthatonlyinflictmorepain,andkeepyouawakeatnight.Andinstead,switchtowhatIcalltheinvestigativequestions,theonesthatminethemeaningandthemotives-Whatdidthisaffairmeanforyou?Whatwereyouabletoexpressorexperiencetherethatyoucouldnolongerdowithme?Whatwasitlikeforyouwhenyoucamehome